In the bedroom

Hi - been the female partner of a man with high-functioning ASD for many years, he was just diagnosed 2 years ago. I'm wondering how people cope with an ASD partner who is minimally interested in sex and who doesn't seem able to put feedback into practice in terms of improving our bedroom life. We're both 30 and it feels way too early to me for us to be practically celibate, but we're here and I'm losing my mind. I don't want to leave the relationship as he's wonderful, but I just don't know how to get him to actually initiate or express any desire. He says he feels desire, but it doesn't come through and it's very frustrating to constantly feel unwanted. After waiting so long to find a partner, it just sucks that I'm 30 and still can't enjoy a sex life.

I know he has trouble with non-verbal cues which is especially apparent in the bedroom, but does anyone have anything they've tried? Any types of counselors or anything? I don't want this to be the rest of my life.

  • My husband was diagnosed before we met. Feedback into practice is impossible for us too. He keeps making the same mistakes, sometimes they hurt me. I keep telling him I am a delicate rose petal not sanding a piece of wood. 
    Mandatory sex meetings once a week help, no sex has to happen but just an hour to talk about sex, cuddle and see what happens. We have two young kids so this is difficult for us to find the time and energy for. We find it helpful when we do manage it. Aspies forget non core interest things easily. I call it the Aspergers Teflon brain. Frequency of practice will help. Married couples should be having sex more than one a month. Once a week is great for us since we had kids. It was every other day before we had kids. Hope that helps. Being married to an Aspie boy is VERY STRESSFUL, but I don’t like typical men so here I am. Maxine Aston has outstanding books on Aspergers in love, I found them very helpful. 
    Also, I told my husband a simple phrase to initiate sex, do you want to SNUGGLE. He tends to over think initiating sex to the point that his ‘come ons’ sound creepy. All he has to do to initiate sex is to get my attention and say “do you want to snuggle”. I go low pressure and just snuggle naked until things happen organically.