Loneliness, unfulfillment, stress, and the Married Life

My husband and I have been married over 16 years and dated for 1-1/2 before marrying.

My husband is a hard worker, will shop, cook, clean, do laundry, and all of those tasks that many wives WISH their husbands would do. But when I married, I wasn't looking for a maid, cook, or cleaner. I wanted a life partner.

Husband was diagnosed during our engagement w/ADHD, and generalized and socialized anxiety disorder. Was put on antidepressants. Seemed to help him; especially at work. Hasn't been back to the psychiatrist who diagnosed him in many years. He renews his script through his primary physician. I think he should be seeing a psychiatrist for his med refills and to treat his conditions. I don't believe the ADHD and anxiety diagnoses were totally correct. From what I've read, I suspect he has Asperger's and have for quite some time.

He has no interest in me per se. He'll talk to me, go to church, and grocery shop with me; however, there is no intimacy. No hand holding, kissing, or anything else. This has been the case for several years now. If I broach the subject, it leads to a HIGH level of anxiety in him and he never says a word to explain the situation we've found ourselves in these last few years.

Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc. pass without even as much as a card. He may/may not say Happy Birthday, etc., but that's not always the case either. My family and friends don't deal well with him. They can't understand why I stay with someone who doesn't show his affections for me.

My daughter (29 years old now) is his stepdaughter. She can't stand him. As a matter of fact, whenever it was my birthday or Mother's Day, she would state that she wanted to take me out alone. My staying married to him has created a HUGE rift between my daughter and me. I no longer see her for birthdays, holidays, etc.

I am very lonely, frustrated, and depressed, mostly from dealing (and his not dealing) with his Asp. He can't/won't get help. When we were first engaged, he saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed him with ADHD, and social and generalized anxiety disorder. He was placed on medication for the ADHD and hasn't been seen in many years by anyone except his primary care doctor. No one has ever followed up with him regarding medication to see if it's working or not. I think the meds help him to function better at work; however, his behaviors, routines, etc. are out of control at home.

Just the other day I asked him if he would please put his cell phone down while we were taking what was supposed to be an enjoyable ride to leaf peep. He couldn't do it! When I remarked that I wasn't interested in taking a ride with someone who wasn't going to be relaxing too, he grabbed his cell phone and began squeezing it like he wanted to break it in two. I immediately turned the car around and dropped him off at home. I told him he was still not dealing with his issues and until he did something about it, I wouldn't be going anywhere with him. (Admittedly, not the best reaction on my part either!). I take a lot of BS from him. I walk on eggshells most of the time because anything can send his anxiety levels to the moon. Once in awhile I lose it and this was one of those times.

I'm open to any suggestions, comments, and/or insight. Thanks.

  • Hello!
    Your story seems to be my own story. Our story together as a couple has been one with some ocean deep abysses and peaks as high as the Himalayas! I love my husband very much however his Aspie side gets in the way. I know that he suffers, he knows he is different and he doesn’t act like other men. We have had long conversations and he thanks me for believing in our relationship. He is very smart and we compliment each other, I am outgoing and he is not.
    I separated from him and left with the kids for a few years however every weekend he came to visit and we attended church and went to eat out , etc. It was tough to separate.
    I came back because I do not believe in divorce, I believe it brings too much pain. In his own honest and caring way he brings emotional and financial stability.
    The children are about to graduate and start college so I decided to get focused and find meaning in my life. I am now studying nursing online, I would love to go during the summer to perform surgeries for people without means and join Doctors Without Borders. I am taking it slowly now so when the kids graduate I can go full time for a year and a half.
    My suggestion for you, is to find something that you love and get focused and do it, helping others is a very noble task and it brings joy. I believe that praying and believing in God has given me strength and has filled my heart with joy! I attend daily mass and love listening to the reading of Scripture as well as enjoying fellowship with other parishioners.
    Remember that you are not alone!! Search for meaning and focus in an activity that you love and share it with others. I pray for you and wish you the best! :) We are beautiful, smart and kind, we have a mission on this planet. We are important, God made us for a reason and He loves us, his love brings joy to the heart and fills it to the brim.
  • It continues to amaze me - the similarities in our lives being married to Aspies. The frustration and love we feel. The fact that we stay, and, stay, and stay.....
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