I'm a mom of 3 children, military family, I'm working and attending school full time. So lets just say I already have an incredibly stressful life. My almost 3 year old has just gotten his diagnosis for ASD a month ago. The amount of work that is going into this process of finding service providers and the paperwork to sift through is incredible daunting. My mind has been on overload this past month and I literally just want to crawl into a corner and cry. On top of trying to stay on everyday life responsibilities I have an adorable yet incredibly challenging child. Im dealing with at least 10 meltdowns a day, constant hitting, spitting and screaming. I feel like I'm shutting down. I have never felt depressed before or anxious but this stress is really getting to me.
Today has been the most difficult to date: First my husband is gone for the entire day for work and I wont see him until tomorrow morning. This is the first time since I had my 3rd that I have been alone with all 3 kids by myself. So this in it self has been stressful to me. Second my ASD child started preschool today for 2.5 hours a day. We get there 5 minutes early and because he was required to wait 5 minutes we had a meltdown in front of all the parents and his classmates. I was so embarrassed and frustrated because I'm trying to juggling a 10 month old on my hip while my 2 year old is having a meltdown on the floor while everyone just stared. He got to stay there for 2.5 hours with no real big incidence and then it was time for pick up. We had a fairly big meltdown with me trying to get him to leave. I really tried to prepare for it as well ( toys, cookies, his stuffy), just trying to bribe him into the car but he wouldn't budge. We drove home the whole way with him screaming. We have lunch, he goes down for a nap and when he wakes up hes in an awesome mood. Hes being nice to his older brother, hes sharing, super gentle with his baby sister. I leave him in the living room to go stir dinner and he throws a toy in frustration at our TV. It of course breaks and I had the pleasure of calling my husband and informing him what happened. He of course was really pissed and yelled at me because I was the one watching him. This made me feel like crap and pretty mad because there was literally nothing I could have done to prevent this;I am not a mind reader and my son goes from 1-100 with his emotions in a blink of an eye.(He did call back eventually and apologized)
But today I'm just...done..done done...I'm emotionally and mentally drained and I have nothing left to give. I can confidently say I'm definitely in the grieving process and I think iv hit the anger stage. I mad and pissed off that this is happening and mad that my husband is handling this easier then me. Im mad that my kid wont listen to me but will listen to my husband. Mad that my husband doesn't understand that its twice as hard for me when I'm watching my son alone. I'm mad at myself for even having those thought and not being mentally stronger for my child. I just really don't know what to do and I feel like im drowning