General Asperger Questions

My husband who is 39 was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. We are trying to make some sense of it and learn how to coexist more peacefully together. Here are some of my main concerns.

Does your asperger partner appear selfish? I know he is withdrawn and doesn't like to socialize, but he tends to think more of himself than of me or others.

Do any other NTs of asperger partners feel alone and unappreciated? How do others cope with feeling this way?

Do any of you have an issue with your asperger spouse being very black and white. My husband can't seem to change plans once they are made. If he does have to unexpectedly change plans, he can get very annoyed/upset and become quite irritated quickly.

Can anyone offer any advice or tips on how to communicate better with an asperger spouse.

My asperger spouse doesn't really show affection too much. Do others have this same issue and what ways do they deal with it?

My husband has his own ways of doing things and gets upset if I don't do things the way he suggests. I guess he puts a lot of thought into anything he does and thinks of his ways as the best way. Should I just accept this or are there ways to compromise?

He's very matter of fact when speaking. He doesn't seem to have a filter and says things as he sees them. He sometimes comes off as being rude and apathetic.

I'm a very sensitive person and find his behaviour hard to deal with.

  • I’m 32 and engaged myself with a Fiancé who’s 31. We are both on the Autism Spectrum. As for doing things the way he suggests, and him getting upset if it doesn’t happen in that manner, I can speak to that. Both of us over here are have Autism. With me, I used to be like that when I was in my later childhood especially. My Grandma and Stepdad took a few years over the course of early High School and before showing me that there’s multiple ways of doing one single thing more often than not. We did so hands on. I was told to do it my way first and if I ran into difficulty, they’d hands on show me another way to do that same task. By the end of my Freshman Year in High School, I was running backup plans for everything, even if I had to come up with one quickly. Then I met my fiancé almost 8.5 years ago. We didn’t end up together for over a year after we met and it was long distance. She wanted me to come back and I did. When I did, I found out she too was the same. But I told her word for word when I was driving home from her workplace, ”always have a backup plan for everything”. She got upset over the course of only one week, until her Mom told her to just go with it. She learned after 20 years of living in the neighborhood, that there’s over a dozen ways in and out of the neighborhood. She’s a Cashier for a local grocery chain, and I work as Security and Supervisor for one of the largest companies in the world. We’ve both been in our careers for 14 years. The thing about my line of work is being adaptive. My way may not be by the book. If that be the case, I have to adapt my way into being by the book. If I don’t change, I could lose my job, and what use would I be to my family if I did that? However, my job does require some level of creativity, especially in leadership because I double as a supervisor over a crew of 8 people. I’m on the Autism Spectrum yes, but in the absence of our boss it all falls on me or whoever my partner ends up being(we’re looking for one). I’ve worked in 4 states including working the Las Vegas Strip at night doing VIP Protection. I had to do rigorous evaluation and certification for that one, yet I’m not allowed to give specifics on that job. My day job was Field Investions for another major company. All these things require flexibility. Yes, he’s 39, but my advice for you is patience, and willingness to let his way be in the mix, but teach him that there are other ways to do something if his way fails, and there will be plenty of times where it will fail. Failure isn’t always bad. It’s how we learn new methods or new things entirely.
  • Hi. I can not say about a spouse but I am a parent. What you are talking about is normal for a person with autism. I have a child who I have worked with since she was 2 yrs old. I was asked about writing a book on how I thought my child. Because she was nonverbal when she was little. You would never know it

    When she was little she never cared what anybody thought. It was all about her. She didn't understand that other people had feeling also. So everytime she would do something to someone. I would ask her, how do you think that made them feel?
    You could try asking your husband to put himself in your shoes. Ask him how he would feel if you Did that to him? That makes him think. Every time he does something you have to ask him. But if he doesn't answer, then I wouldn't keep asking.

    I hope that helps a little,
    Tara