My relationship with AS

Hi, I’m new to this group and I’m not sure where I’m supposed to post this. Hopefully this is fine. But I’ve been in a extremely serious relationship with my boyfriend, Zak, for the past 4 years. Zak as a young child was diagnosed with Aspergers and also with ADHD. Wow, what a combo, right? He is now 24, when he was younger Autism was just becoming a thing, no one really knew anything about it, where it comes from, why or even how. A lot of these questions we still have even today. His parents tried to do the right thing, they tried every medicine in the book but nothing made it better. From stories I’ve heard, he would scream himself to sleep, his dad would have to hold him down in bed until he couldn’t move because he had no strength left, if he didn’t sleep then he’d stay awake for days and get in trouble around town (he has never been in trouble with the law or anything, he was a kid he didn’t know any better.) After the medicine didn’t work they just did what they could do as parents and discipline him, and ever since he has ever been re-tested. None of these things are problems in our relationship now. There are other problems now though and it’s be great to get advice. I am 21 and Zak is 24, again we are in a serious relationship and we both want to work things out for the better. He has held a very stable job for 3 years now at a company making custom garage doors, he drive all over the state delivering, so he is very high functioning. Lately things have been really hard in our relationship though. We both play a lot of video games (that’s one of the many things he’s great at) we have friends that we play with and such and before we met these friends Zak was very happy and he was such a gentleman to me, he would never cuss or do anything to hurt me. He was in love with me and I was to him. After meeting these friends while playing video games his personality completely changed, he started cussing and being crude, he didn’t care about the words he’d say in public. There were a handful of  times he’d call me a *** (I was probably asking for at least a couple of them) but to me I don’t want to be called names. I also want to make it clear that Zak knows what these words means, I just don’t think he understands how much hurt they can cause another person? If you’re hurting physically and he can see it, then he feels empathy for you, but if you’re emotionally hurt it’s  like he doesn’t care. He would get so angry he’d leave the house and take all of his stuff. After a good talk we said that we would never leave and we would always come together and talk about it, we always have after that. We have been through some very hard times, and a lot of fights. I don’t know what to do and I just want to know what I can do and if he should be tested again or if this more of a relationship problem then going to see if there’s something I can do to help him get better and be more accepted and comfortable. Please any advice is helpful. Thanks!

***I just want all of you to know as well that our friends that we play video games online with are good people, we have known them for 2 years and they are supportive and great.***

  • have a child that has Autsim & ADHD also. She also has a couple other disabilities. I understand the whole thing about being up for days. My daughter has done 3 days with 3 hrs sleep. I work with my daughter everyday. We all learn something new everyday.
    Not understanding how someone feels is normal for someone with Autism. You can ask him how he would feel if you said those hurtful words to him. That is how I got my daughter to understand how other people would feel. She doesn't know how someone feels, but she knows how she feels. You need to make it about him. He will understand that better.
    Good luck. Tara
  • I have a child that has Autsim & ADHD also. She also has a couple other disabilities. I understand the whole thing about being up for days. My daughter has done 3 days with 3 hrs sleep. I work with my daughter everyday. We all learn something new everyday.

    Not understanding how someone feels is normal for someone with Autism. You can ask him how he would feel if you said those hurtful words to him. That is how I got my daughter to understand how other people would feel. She doesn't know how someone feels, but she knows how she feels. You need to make it about him. He will understand that better.

    Good luck.

  • Hello everyone. Im new to this group but wanted to chime in on this post. I agree with Tdbugs for a person with autism like myself it is difficult for them to understamd emotions of others. Encourage him to understand how you feel when he calls you out of your name. Another thing when you and your boyfriend was playing video games, he was tranquil and respectful. I would try to incorparate ways or ideas that your boyfriend can remain calm by observing the things he enjoys most. As far as sleep which is a struggle for those on the autism specturm i would listen to relaxing music or melody that he likes or imagine being in a relaxed setting such as sitting by the waves of water or anything to clear his mind to help him relax and sleep at night. The imigariny trick worked when i volunteered with children with autism during nap time one summer.

    Hope this helps, Happy New Year to you and your boyfriend. You are doing an awsome job in caring for your boyfriend and he appericates you, but he has a unique way of showing it.

    Good luck.
  • Hello everyone. Im new to this group but wanted to chime in on this post. I agree with Tdbugs for a person with autism like myself it is difficult for them to understamd emotions of others. Encourage him to understand how you feel when he calls you out of your name. Another thing when you and your boyfriend was playing video games, he was tranquil and respectful. I would try to incorparate ways or ideas that your boyfriend can remain calm by observing the things he enjoys most. As far as sleep which is a struggle for those on the autism specturm i would listen to relaxing music or melody that he likes or imagine being in a relaxed setting such as sitting by the waves of water or anything to clear his mind to help him relax and sleep at night. The imigariny trick worked when i volunteered with children with autism during nap time one summer.

    Hope this helps, Happy New Year to you and your boyfriend. You are doing an awsome job in caring for your boyfriend and he appericates you, but he has a unique way of showing it.

    Good luck.