So Lost - how do I help my husband

My husband, in his mid-thirties, was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. He is currently extremely overwhelmed with everything going on in life right now. We are having marital problems, we have a toddler who is expressing her independence and his favorite boss at work is being posted out of the province. On top of everything, he is depressed. 

His first reaction is to push our daughter and me away, and I can understand how pushing us and the problems that we add to his life away, will make it easier for him to deal with his own issues. However, I love him and I want to help him deal with being overwhelmed and manage my behavior around him to reduce his stress. We have been in marriage counseling, however, her suggestions seem to create more anxiety in him than helping.  My mother suggested trying something a little more geared towards helping his Aspergers side first. Deal with coping mechanisms first, then marital issues. 

I am having trouble finding resources for adults and what I do find, is not particularly helpful. I am looking for anything that can help me support my husband through this trying time. 

 

Thank you

  • Pick an obsession, any obsession. Give him 4 hours a week, maybe on the weekend, to work on his obsession. THAT is the main way asperger's people stave off depression.
  • In reply to Theodore M. Seeber:

    My wife has Asperger’s and she was diagnosed at 45. My son also has Asperger’s. It’s easy for an Asperger’s person to fall in depression. My wife has been in one for over 18 months and just coming out of it..she has needed weekly counseling, medication, and time off from work. Asperger’s people are bombarded with all kinds of Inputs all day long. They process differenctly than us. A lot need time to “wind down” by themselves to recharge their batteries. It takes a lot of effort fopra napie to live in our wor;ld.

    Your husband needs to know that being an aspire is a gift. The smartest people I know are aspies, and they are all around me. And he has a family that cares for him. Your marriage will take some time to get better, like mine, but its hopefully worth the wait.
    It is the same person you met before, he just has name to go with his “eccentricities”

    His family should ground him…aspies need love..im sure this is a difficult time, but let him know you will support

    Absolutely get him exercising, at the gym, and in counseling with someone who gets aspersers.
    My wife has taken 18 months to go to the gym, and I can see a change in here when she goes
    Good luck
    scott



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    better off pink
    My husband, in his mid-thirties, was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. He is currently extremely overwhelmed with everything going on in life right now. We are having marital problems, we have a toddler who is expressing her independence and his favorite boss at work is being posted out of the province. On top of everything, he is depressed.
    His first reaction is to push our daughter and me away, and I can understand how pushing us and the problems that we add to his life away, will make it easier for him to deal with his own issues. However, I love him and I want to help him deal with being overwhelmed and manage my behavior around him to reduce his stress. We have been in marriage counseling, however, her suggestions seem to create more anxiety in him than helping. My mother suggested trying something a little more geared towards helping his Aspergers side first. Deal with coping mechanisms first, then marital issues.
    I am having trouble finding resources for adults and what I do find, is not particularly helpful. I am looking for anything that can help me support my husband through this trying time.

    Thank you
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  • Almost anyone would have trouble dealing with two major life crises plus a challenging toddler at the same time. If you can, please put your marital issues on hold for now and treat him as you would a good friend. Take as many decisions off his shoulders as possible. Simplify his home life. Most people on the autism spectrum do best with order, routine and structure, so try to create a calm, unchallenging routine for him in the evenings and on weekends. Give him as much time and space as possible for decompression/alone time to rest, work on a favorite hobby, or whatever has worked for him in the past. Structure time he spends with your toddler to include short interactions doing activities which both are likely to enjoy, or at least tolerate. It will be harder for you in the short term, but has a good chance to help him get to a place where he can actively engage in working on your relationship again in the future. Meanwhile I encourage you to seek support for yourself from family, friends, or online support groups. Best wishes!
  • In reply to Sgaeser:

    Thank you for you response. I saw a post of yours when I was looking to see how others have dealt with this situation.

    I have been giving him more down time, by spending time at friends places away from our home. When we got home, for the first time in days he was happy to see our daughter. That made the challenges of the weekend worth it. This time apart seems to be the best way to show support for him right now.

    I am trying to be supportive but he is certainly making it difficult. I have encouraged him to go to the gym many times and he just sees it as me nagging. He has been given time every morning to go the gym, paid as part of his 8 hour working day, and he went for a week and stopped. When ever I bring it up, he shuts down. Recently, I have noticed that every time we try to talk about something, he just shuts down. You can visibly see him close him self off. Any words of wisdom on how I can try to prevent this response?

    He is in counselling and has been for a while; however, his doctor initially told him everything seemed fine and he would see him again in two months as part of his mandatory counselling as part of his return from overseas. Only now, that things have deteriorated to this level, dose the doctor take these issue seriously. As military living in a rural area, he has limited resources to help him. I was hoping this forum could help give me some resources. I have asked about getting some from his therapist; however, I have yet to see anything come home to help us manage.

    Thank you again for your response, I am also feeling overwhelmed with all of this going on and appreciate insight on managing this part of our lives.
  • In reply to Sgaeser:

    Thank you for you response. I saw a post of yours when I was looking to see how others have dealt with this situation.

    I have been giving him more down time, by spending time at friends places away from our home. When we got home, for the first time in days he was happy to see our daughter. That made the challenges of the weekend worth it. This time apart seems to be the best way to show support for him right now.

    I am trying to be supportive but he is certainly making it difficult. I have encouraged him to go to the gym many times and he just sees it as me nagging. He has been given time every morning to go the gym, paid as part of his 8 hour working day, and he went for a week and stopped. When ever I bring it up, he shuts down. Recently, I have noticed that every time we try to talk about something, he just shuts down. You can visibly see him close him self off. Any words of wisdom on how I can try to prevent this response?

    He is in counselling and has been for a while; however, his doctor initially told him everything seemed fine and he would see him again in two months as part of his mandatory counselling as part of his return from overseas. Only now, that things have deteriorated to this level, dose the doctor take these issue seriously. As military living in a rural area, he has limited resources to help him. I was hoping this forum could help give me some resources. I have asked about getting some from his therapist; however, I have yet to see anything come home to help us manage.

    Thank you again for your response, I am also feeling overwhelmed with all of this going on and appreciate insight on managing this part of our lives.
  • In reply to Sgaeser:

    Thank you for your response. I saw a post of yours when I was looking to see how others have dealt with this situation.

    I have been giving him more down time, by spending time at friends places away from our home. When we got home, for the first time in days he was happy to see our daughter. That made the challenges of the weekend worth it. This time apart seems to be the best way to show support for him right now.

    I am trying to be supportive but he is certainly making it difficult. I have encouraged him to go to the gym many times and he just sees it as me nagging. He has been given time every morning to go the gym, paid as part of his 8 hour working day, and he went for a week and stopped. Whenever I bring it up, he shuts down. Recently, I have noticed that every time we try to talk about something, he just shuts down. You can visibly see him close himself off. Any words of wisdom on how I can try to prevent this response?

    He is in counselling and has been for a while; however, his doctor initially told him everything seemed fine and he would see him again in two months as part of his mandatory counselling as part of his return from overseas. Only now, that things have deteriorated to this level, dose the doctor take these issue seriously. As military living in a rural area, he has limited resources to help him. I was hoping this forum could help give me some resources. I have asked about getting some from his therapist; however, I have yet to see anything come home to help us manage.

    Thank you again for your response, I am also feeling overwhelmed with all of this going on and appreciate insight on managing this part of our lives.
  • In reply to Sgaeser:

    Thank you for your response. I saw a post of yours when I was looking to see how others have dealt with this situation.

    I have been giving him more down time, by spending time at friends places away from our home. When we got home, for the first time in days he was happy to see our daughter. That made the challenges of the weekend worth it. This time apart seems to be the best way to show support for him right now.

    I am trying to be supportive but he is certainly making it difficult. I have encouraged him to go to the gym many times and he just sees it as me nagging. He has been given time every morning to go the gym, paid as part of his 8 hour working day, and he went for a week and stopped. Whenever I bring it up, he shuts down. Recently, I have noticed that every time we try to talk about something, he just shuts down. You can visibly see him close himself off. Any words of wisdom on how I can try to prevent this response?

    He is in counselling and has been for a while; however, his doctor initially told him everything seemed fine and he would see him again in two months as part of his mandatory counselling as part of his return from overseas. Only now, that things have deteriorated to this level, dose the doctor take these issue seriously. As military living in a rural area, he has limited resources to help him. I was hoping this forum could help give me some resources. I have asked about getting some from his therapist; however, I have yet to see anything come home to help us manage.

    Thank you again for your response, I am also feeling overwhelmed with all of this going on and appreciate insight on managing this part of our lives.