well, here we are. Last night my closest friend -the one person that knows of my fits and autism came by with a movie I just  had to see. "Ex Machina". Now I didn't know the premise of the movie, I don't watch tv like cable or anything like that so I don't get exposed to commercials and new movies. But my friend knew. And my friend also knew of the deep terror I experience when I see humanoid automatons or wax figures. Basically anything that looks human but isn't a live human makes me lock up.
Anyway this movie starts and I ask what it's about and he tells me and I curled my fingers into my palm and dug in like I do when uncomfortable, and told him I really did not want to see this. He said it's fine, I'm here, you have your smooth (my rock I rub when I stim in public or in general so I don't flap and hit myself)... I decided to be brave and oh boy that was a huge mistake. It was horrific. The blasted thing had a human face, human personality, and  any other characteristic of a human. The moment I saw it I locked up rigid. My whole body hurts today cause of how long I was locked up. I stopped breathing when it spoke, that turned to really quick shallow breaths and vocal stimming(my teeth clench and my tongue goes to the roof of my mouth and I sort of whimper/whine)...I was rubbing my smooth so vigorously it was drenched in sweat from my hands. I kept on with the movie, checking my pulse and then my friends pulse to make sure we were both humans. He kept assuring me these don't exist and I'm okay, but as the main character developed a relationship with it, the worse I got. I dropped my smooth and started tapping my earlobe with my right hand, and shaking my left. He grabbed my hands and held them in my lap and helped me rock back and forth. He knows if I keep with those motions I'll eventually start hitting myself in the face and head....and I really don't like hitting myself. He insisted it was ok and the movie is so good I just gotta tough it out but I couldn't. Eventually a tactic I'm all too use to using kicked in - the blank out. I go into a comatose like state where i get the "thousand yard stare", don't respond, don't think, and can't hear or see anything around me. It's like I just shut down everything. I use this coping tactic often, and have my whole life. Traumatic moments usually make it happen, so I guess last night was bad enough for my body to not wanna deal with it anymore. I woke up in my bed with only the memory of that terrifying automaton burned into my brain, and the constant fear that I'm not human. I have a feeling I'll be checking many heart beats over the next few weeks...good thing I don't leave the house often huh? Haha..
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