Hi Everyone,

For those of you who read my last post you will know that I am currently undergoing a huge change in my life and under a massive amount of stress.

I am in a new country and living with 3 other people where I am used to only living with my mum.

I have started to worry about so many things it just isnt funny. Its keeping me awake at night to the extent that I now have acute insomnia and even sleeping pills and Valium have no effect on me.

So - if u refer to my last post my money matters are not good.

Yesterday my brother and sister-in-law went out to scout the family a fridge. They have been spending money they dont really have on things we DO NOT need so for them to buy us a fridge was to me a MASSIVE relief.

After an hour or 2 my brother phones me and proposes that they buy us a fridge AND a washing machine and then quotes me a ridiculous amount of money to pay - especially considering these things were from a second hand shop. So I told him to keep looking for a better deal.
At this point im stressing out AGAIN because we dont actually NEED a washing machine - we need things to make living possible using the least amount of income.

So he phones back a while later and I get him to speak to my mum. She says NO do not get a washing machine as we dont need one. My brother agrees and I am now happy.

Next thing I know my brother and sister-in-law come home and inform me and my mum that to quote "f**k it we got the machine anyway coz it was a good deal". 

SO now we have a sh!tty fridge and a crap washing machine (they got ripped off coz they dunno what they r doing and constantly impulse buy). The washing machine cant even be plumbed in coz the kitchen floor is being replaced next week so thats money wasted on someting none of us can even use.

Anyway I digress. He says they got washing machine and my mum immediately says "has no one ever heard of hand washing or laundromats" to which my brother replies "no". 

This ensues the beginning of what could have easily turned into WWIII. Luckily my brother says "shall we leave and come back in and start over?" My mum agrees - they leave - they come back 5 mins later - and its like it never happened.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*QUE MELT DOWN~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

No one mentions the fight
No one mentions the washing machine
No one says sorry

It is like the whole thing never happened and no washing machine was ever bought.

I was sitting on the floor and all of a sudden I couldnt stop thinking about money. I was thinking about how much money me and my mum have - how much my brother and his wife have and now how much less we all have bcz of the washing machine. I kept thinking about how quickly the savings are dropping and whats going to happen if none of us gets a job before the rent is due - id have to pay my brother and his wifes rent but I cant afford 3 or even 2 peoples rent - we'd end up homeless on the streets out in the snow...


At least we'd have clean clothes. (plz note the extreme use of sarcasm)

Then my brain just shut down...
I couldnt look at anything other than a pink spot on my dressing gown or think about anything other than the pink spot. Somewhere inside me I was freaking out as iv never had a full blown melt down and didnt know what was happening.

All of sudden my hearing cut out - I knew something bad was coming and I ran from the lounge room - which is atm my bedroom - to my mums bedroom - threw myself onto her bed - curled up and my brain died.

I could obviously still hear but nothing was processing the noise. My vision faded to a bright white light and then to total darkness on par with having your eyes closed. My body froze - I could feel tears and snot running down my face and onto my mums pillows but the effort required to move a tissue to my face felt on par with attempting to shift the world off its axis.

I was still alive but I couldn't move, see or hear. I had just shut down. 

My mum tried to talk to me and I wanted to respond but I couldn't talk. Nothing was working. Eventually after about 30 mins I think she bought me up a book to read which ever so slightly brought me round but as soon as she left I sank back down into my meaningless - senseless darkness. After what seemed hours but probably was only another 30 mins she returned with my favorite fluffy toy, pressed it against my face, then she rubbed my legs a few times and left again.

10 minutes later I came round. It was like waking up after a really long sleep. 

I would be very interested to know if my melt down (which im presuming it was one?) is standard behavior given my situation - how to prevent them or if thats not possible then how to lessen them. I have no experience in this area.

Im nearly 20 yrs old and have aspergers syndrome. Is what happened to me normal?????

  • Hi Lara,

    I know I have the answer.  Unfortunately, the solution can't not be described all in this one post.

    All pain can be shut on and off.  All problems can have infinite roads of possibilities.  Finding the right road can give you a quality of life which will lead to your truest desire.

    I have walked in my own very real and terrible hell like moments on earth.  With a lot of work internally and a whole lot of help,  I was able to find that heaven on earth type feeling which not only sustains the internal part of me but the external part as well.

    This is what you need to do to be happy...   every morning for the rest of your life, you need to ask God to help you on your meditation.  

    Now what I just wrote sounds simple enough, but the vast entirety of what it all entails is so enormous that I can not explain it all.  You need to do three things to make it work.  

    1. Be consistent  2. Research the meaning of it. 3.Know all the details that surround the  happiest moment in your life.  It's like a doorway to meeting God half way.

    I wish you the best.  The words that you wrote on your blog really spoke to my heart. God bless.

  • I could cry right now...of happiness and relief. I'm a mom of a son that's on the spectrum. Thank you so much for posting this.  Now I can understand my son a little bit better. He has meltdowns steady through out the week.  I was thinking to make a weighted blanket for my son (using dried chick peas and a old quilt). Now you have inspired me to get right on that project.  

    He can never explain to me what he goes through and what causes the meltdowns. What you have stated and what I see him go through visuals...it now makes more sense. Thank you, thank you :) :)

    God bless you, in fact God bless everyone on the spectrum. In Jesus name. Amen.

  • Hi Lara,

    I got your post through my facebook link to the Autism Support Network and felt I could somewhat relate. I've been living on my own for a little over a year now and money is a constant stress point for me. Like you I have been losing a lot of sleep over it and even now I'm stressing whether I should take out a loan or not just to buy some things my apartment desperately needs. If you ever feel like sharing stories you're welcome to send me a message.

  • I am 13 and have aspergers. I cry and shout some  times too!!! Mabey we could help each other!!!

  • If that is a melt down, then I've had tons of those! I thought that happened to everyone.