A few weeks ago I started a new journey with my son, that diagnoses of ASD was a slight relief but also a greatest fear come true. It felt so very immoral to sigh that miniscule sigh of relief that Monday morning but I did and I think that is something I feel so extremely guilty about. How can you be relieved? It was only a second of relief, followed by the most gut wrenching feeling of sadness I have ever felt, but now I know I wasn’t going crazy that I wasn’t an over protective mother that there was something there. Nearly two years of the “wait and see” approach finally came to an end, which was a time of missed opportunity for early intervention. But our new journey is AUTISM a word that I struggle to say or more so say that my son has Autism.

These are my thoughts on how I am finding life right now, I am not a writer I am not claiming my opinions or emotions are right and certainly not that they are politically correct, these are just some very honest words from a mother on a new road. A million things racing through my head ten thousand scenarios of the struggles life is going to throw at my beautiful baby boy. Anxiety, fear, sadness, and anger these are my best friends at the moment and sometimes I just wish they would all piss off. I have struggled to get my son access to help, I have wrote letters made phone calls sent emails I have spent hours upon hours searching the internet for intervention and support failing to do so.

Positivity is key! I am not sending out much positive energy right now, the last year in particular I have been living life trying my best to ensure I sent out and received positive good energy but right now I only get little bursts of it and then reality hits me. My little boy has Autism. People say it’s not “the end of the world” /  “things could be worse”  these are two phrases that make me want to punch people right in the face and two phrases that make me what to punch myself in the face as I realise I am being selfish and self-absorbed two qualities that I do not admire. But the truth is I don’t care about other people right now I’m feeling pretty bad for a four year old little boy whom god has given to me? Why didn’t he bless him with better parents, someone who has better qualities than I someone who can help him better than I, why did god choose me? I know these feelings will pass and acceptance will come and I’ll put my big girl pants on send out positivity to the world and be the best advocate I can be for my son, but right now I can’t find those pants!

Anonymous
  • Thank you for your comment, and I can definitely see how this is going to make me a better person, I am learning things about life and am starting to see the world in a different way. I believe that  the emotions I'm feeling will pass and my outlook will be more positive thank  you kris x

  • Once I thought as you but by helping my boy and others like him I understand more about myself and have grown in many ways where had autism not been in my life would not have been possible. I have learned and helped pass along not only to be positive but to be a kinder person and I wish the same for you as I can sense in this blog a kindred soul. Autism is the gift of truly getting to know ones self and sharing what you already possess maybe the true communication disorder is how everyone else really doesn't understand...This may sound cliche to you but please believe as I truly mean it. Please consider qigong massage for your boy as it will make a healing touch if only to help mend your heart and spirit. Blessings and hope. Kris (: