Losing my mind! Is my husband Aspie?

We've been together for 31 yrs, married 12 of those. We have two children, one being a 20 yr old son that has asperger.

I've always known something was off with my husband since were kids but have learned to just deal with it because I love him. However, over the last decade I've found it becoming increasely difficult to deal with. This year being the hardest.

Some of his behaviours:

He is the ideal husband in the following ways:

Helps around the house, ie. Laundry, dishes, kids ect.
Works full time
Everyone loves him, thinks he is a great guy
He is a huge people pleaser even at the risk of jeopordizing our relationship
He has no clue how to be sauve/charming or witty.
He doesn't catch on to sarcasism or make male friends easily. They get bored of him and move on.
He doesn't know how to make me feel special even though I know deep down he cares.
He only thinks about himself and doesn't think about how it will make me look by his actions.

This is just a small list above and I almost packed my bags and left during summer but we have a 14 yr old daughter that is keeping me here.

He doesn't have all of the traits, only some of them but he is definately slow when you compare him to the normal guys. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like I'm drowning by myself.

  • The answer is yes, which makes leaving him or divorcing him after 31 years downright abusive on your part, not just of him, but of the children involved (Please look up the book _Primal_Loss_ on Amazon- It's a short and entertaining read and will change your mind on the whole concept of divorce!)

    I know many women who are getting FAR less out of their relationships than even your first two items. Perhaps what you need to do is adjust your expectations. The final five items on your list can be fixed with concrete communication on what you need from him, including placing your marriage as a priority.

    Your daughter will thank you for actually being direct and concrete with your expectations instead of giving up and leaving.
  • In reply to Theodore M. Seeber:

    Wow! Do you think you could tear me apart anymore?
  • How do the following affect your relationship with him?

    "He has no clue how to be sauve/charming or witty.
    He doesn't catch on to sarcasism or make male friends easily. They get bored of him and move on."

    He works full time (I assume he makes sure that the bills are getting paid) and he helps around the house, yet you say that he thinks only about himself?

    You say that he doesn't know how to make you feel special, have you ever told him?

    I have Aspergers, my wife and I are celebrating our 20th anniversary next year. I'm not a perfect husband and some of the things that you've stated apply to me as well. I assume that your last statement on "how it will make me look by his actions" refers to how he acts in public. Before I was diagnosed with Asperger's, I would always ask my wife (and I still do) if I acted okay after we leave a social setting. People with Asperger's often don't "read" other people well. This could be what is happening with your husband. Providing him some guidance when you think that he is acting inappropriately in social settings might be beneficial.

    One thing that you should consider in all of this is how your reaction to your husband will affect your son. If you are rejecting your husband because of Asperger's, it may communicate to your son that your love for him and other's love for him may be in jeopardy because of his Asperger's diagnosis.
  • How do the following affect your relationship with him?

    "He has no clue how to be sauve/charming or witty.
    He doesn't catch on to sarcasism or make male friends easily. They get bored of him and move on."

    He works full time (I assume he makes sure that the bills are getting paid) and he helps around the house, yet you say that he thinks only about himself?

    You say that he doesn't know how to make you feel special, have you ever told him?

    I have Aspergers, my wife and I are celebrating our 20th anniversary next year. I'm not a perfect husband and some of the things that you've stated apply to me as well. I assume that your last statement on "how it will make me look by his actions" refers to how he acts in public. Before I was diagnosed with Asperger's, I would always ask my wife (and I still do) if I acted okay after we leave a social setting. People with Asperger's often don't "read" other people well. This could be what is happening with your husband. Providing him some guidance when you think that he is acting inappropriately in social settings might be beneficial.

    One thing that you should consider in all of this is how your reaction to your husband will affect your son. If you are rejecting your husband because of Asperger's, it may communicate to your son that your love for him and other's love for him may be in jeopardy because of his Asperger's diagnosis.
  • In reply to ahasp:

    How do the following affect your relationship with him?

    "He has no clue how to be sauve/charming or witty.
    Answer::: I am envious of other women and wish my husband was more like this.
    He doesn't catch on to sarcasism or make male friends easily. They get bored of him and move on."
    Answer::: no big deal, but hard to watch sometimes and I will stick up for him.

    He works full time (I assume he makes sure that the bills are getting paid) and he helps around the house, yet you say that he thinks only about himself?
    Answer:: I didn't mean in this type of situation. He thinks about himself inregard to taking credit for things.. ie.. always referring to himself when talking to others about things.. I this and I that. I did this and I achieved that. "I have no recognition in anything. And I have brought this up many times to him." We both pay the bills as I make the majority of the income in the household.

    You say that he doesn't know how to make you feel special, have you ever told him? Yes, we have discussed this and he will try for a bit and then it goes back to the way it was and then there is a huge disconnect between the two of us.

    On your last statement. He hasn't actually been diagnosed. That was question and the reason I posted. My son has aspergers and I never said I was divorcing my husband. I said I have thought about it. I love him dearly, but there has to be a way for me to not feel this way as well.