Dating someone that potentially has Aspergers- Support please!

I say potentially because he has not spoken to about it and I am not sure if he’s diagnosed. I am a special education teacher and work with students on the spectrum so I have experience but I’m not a doctor.

For over two months we have texted throughout the day and spoke on the phone for hours everyday.  He was previously married and has two children, one with autism. He was with his ex for 10years and it seems to have been toxic but he started therapy and continues to see the therapist. He mentions how he likes to be alone, how he dreads the holidays, and that he’s not an empathic person.

When I first met him, we had the most awkward first kiss. After that I just went along with the way he kissed, which was pecking.  As we watched a movie, he shakes and can’t look if theirs blood on the screen.

The next time we met, we met at the halfway point so we stayed in a hotel together for 3 nights. He kept saying how hard it was because he likes to be alone. I didn’t understand why he needed alone time because we weren’t going to see each other for another 6 weeks. He would get dressed and say “ I’m going ___ you can come if you want”  We discussed the first kiss and he said that he doesn’t like tonge in his mouth. He said it makes him gag. He also takes along time to do other things to females. At one point (sorry if it’s tmi)  he bluntly said “Okay there’s sexual tension let’s just do it”  I was taken back because he wasn’t kissing me or touching me, there was no forplay to get in the mood. When we went on a brewery tour, he had to leave two of the bars because the place was small and then on the bus he seemed very frustrated with the drunk person and being stuck on the bus.  He’s forgetful but has photographic memory. He moves around a lot in his sleep. He went to play cards and I thought I would be cute and bring him over a drink while he’s playing  he looked at me at said “I don’t want that. It’s too early to drink”  he eventually took it and said thank you. He jumps a lot if I was to touch him. I had to ask for evey kiss. He doesn’t eat certain foods like cooked onion because he doesn’t like the feeling in his mouth. He’s anxious a lot when going on a trip or doing something new.

We didn’t sleep together. He says that he’s looking for a companion and sex isn’t the most important to him.  At one point he told me this is hard for him because I’m the first person he has started to have feelings for since his ex and he somewhat feels like he’s doing something wrong.

During the trip, there was a point where I thought that he may be on the spectrum. When I went to therapy, I was speaking to my therapist and she said “it sounds like he’s on the spectrum” which explains a lot to me.

To me, this is not a deal breaker but helps me understand him better. Where I struggle is, how do I have the conversation with him? He may be diagnosed and not have told me  or it may be something he doesn’t know.  I also can’t see his ex not noticing and talking to him about it.

Also for over 2 months we have spoke everyday for hours. We have not talked the last 4 days. 4 days ago we just texted. 3 days ago we texted very little- I called him but he didn’t answer or call me back (which is not like him because he has his phone on him at all times and usually calls back with 5 minutes) now it’s 2 days later - I haven’t tried to reach out again but he hasn’t reached out either. I understand that he may need a break- maybe the thought of a relationship is giving him anxiety- maybe my birthday coming up is giving him anxiety- I don’t know- but do I wait till he contacts me or can I reach out again? How long do I wait?

I want him to know that I understand him more than he thinks and he doesn’t have to hide who he is. What do I do? Thanks for all the help!

  • Hello Mary
    I think that trying to have a close relationship with someone who doesn't have empathy is a path to extreme unhappiness. I've done it and it was a living hell. He was a lovely, kind, loyal man, but without empathy it is a very one-sided kind of relationship. Empathy is essential if you are to feel acknowledged, respected and loved. I highly recommend Lisa Romano's You Tube videos and you'll find out a lot more about the normal need we have for empathy, plus loads of other info. I wish you well.