I'm very new to this group, I literally just and this is my first post.
When I first married my husband I had no idea he had Asperger’s but I knew something was a-miss with him, I just figured we could eventually work it out. Now I’m 11 years into this marriage, we have kids and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. It was my mother-in-law who is my husband’s step mother that told me that he has Asperger’s. She said he was diagnosed in HS but his father never told him that he was an Aspi. Consequently he doesn’t believe anything is wrong on his part and as far as I know he has never bothered to look into what Asperger’s is.
He has all the classic symptoms: Can’t give eye contact, emotionally immature, any criticism, concern or correction turns into a battle as if he was being attacked by an army of dragons out to take his life and I’m the queen leader of the dragons. We can’t communicate normally about anything…ever! He keeps information from me, big stuff and minor stuff, all of it. It gets in the way of raising our children, finances, everything, right down to the groceries!! There is no intimate conversation between a husband and wife, no hugs unless instigated by me and even then it feels empty. No conflict resolution or discussion after the air settles from a fight which can take days or weeks just for the air to settle. We can’t go to a traditional marriage therapist who doesn’t understand the dynamic in a AS/NT relationship and I can’t seem to find one that specializes in it.
I’m at my wits end and don’t know where to turn for help. I’m not interested in walking out the door and blowing my family up because I’m angry or sad. I don’t believe in making life altering decisions in the height of an emotional outburst. I know that I haven’t looked hard enough for help, which is what brought me to this site in the first place. I wish I could find a support group that I can go to physically as well as online but can’t seem to find any in the Phoenix area. But again, maybe I’m not looking hard enough.
I just need some input and help because I don’t know how to navigate these waters. I need other women and men who are in the same position to give me some insight. I need other Aspi’s to teach me how to get out of this place of stuck with my Aspi husband. I don’t need or want negative input, I have enough of that in my head already and certainly don’t need someone else’s negative input to fill more space. It’s heavy and it doesn’t feel good. So please, if you have something constructive to say, teach or a similar situation, I’m all ears and desperately seeking a marriage that has the potential of moving powerfully forward.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’m grateful to have found this site as I have been asking the universe for help in a big way.
"... he doesn’t believe anything is wrong on his part ..." This is step one to really keeping progress from happening. Also, you said you went into this with the hope that you could 'work this out' but it sounds like maybe you're expecting more of him than he is actually able to give you. Every autistic person is different. We may have a few things in common, but that's just a small part of who we are, and it sounds like you're hung up on deficits. That killed my other relationships - that and expecting me to be a different person. How have you been trying to broach the subject? Because if I were him I'd shut down as it feels like another criticism, correction, expectation I have yet to be able to meet and therefore can't handle. That would be a first place to look, if he doesn't know or want to believe he is autistic. In fact, you don't even have to have his cooperation to make changes that help. Maybe if you entered the conversation differently, or made small changes in your expectations, things will ease up a bit, and he'd be more receptive. I'm not being negative, I'm just finding a lot of negative in this post. I don't even know anything else about him but what is 'wrong' with him. Something must have been right or interesting or worthwhile when you got married. It's possible increasing adult stress has a lot to do with your perception of worsening symptoms - and expectations he feels he can't meet.
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