I think my boyfriend may have aspergers, I think he is wonderful

I have been in a relationship for four years, I think he is amazing although a little confusing at times. I would so love to learn to navigate his world better and be able to be the best support to him and also myself. So I am very open to any advise and support that may help.

A little about him in his fifties never married and no children, he is a doctor and has a very demanding career and an extremely busy life as he travels quite a bit. When we first met, if I ever mentioned that he looked tired he would become defensive to which I took the time to explain, that I thought he looked lovely and all I was trying to do was get him to relax (I really wouldn't care if he grew another head) apparently he had a bit of a tough time at Uni, braces, pimples etc. We do laugh about it now.

We spend time when we can together, listen to music, watch movies and laugh alot.

There are a few things that do concern me, that I would not bring up as I so do not want to hurt his feelings and I think he is unaware off. He loves puzzles and does maths for fun, he went in to medicine because he see's cases as a puzzle to solve, he is a remarkable musician. He is very blunt which can come across as rude and insensitive at times, he doesn't like going out. Definitely has touch sensitivity, hates sticky things, seems to fixate on things that he is interested in and appears to have little interest, in my life, family and feelings. He expects me to always go to his house and does not kiss me, although is very affectionate in other ways, he also does not like to share a bed, has trouble expressing emotion, all though I know he does feel them. He say's he is not a talker. I try to respect all these things and the differences that we have as I would want some one to respect me, we all deserve love and respect. I seem to have made quite a lot of adjustments, by nature I am a kind and supportive person, but I am a little fearful to ask why some of these things seem to be an issue for him. eg the intimacy and communication. He does not seem to have had much success with relationships, Any thoughts on how best to navigate as at times I feel alone and out of my depth, so any ideas as how to be supportive would be greatly appreciated.

I so think all people deserve to be loved and supported, bless deversity :)

  • Yes all people need to be supported but you will find that you end up doing all the supporting .you will get no support .you will get no understanding. You will end up bring his mother.
  • Yes all people need to be supported but you will find that you end up doing all the supporting .you will get no support .you will get no understanding. You will end up bring his mother.
  • In reply to Janet edge:

    Sorry about the repeats .error 503 for bring read being
  • Hello Kobi,

    I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 7 months. He is 24 and has never had a girlfriend before me. The first time we hung out, he told me he had Aspergers. I heard of it before that but I didn't know exactly what it was. I'm not sure why he told me that, I didn't make any comments on his behavior because I honestly didn't see anything. Even if I did I wouldn't have told anything. He is super dorky but that's what attracted me to him in the first place. He is super adorable. Maybe he thought for some reason that it would scare me away? I told him that there isn't anything wrong with that and that I really liked him alot. I don't know anyone else besides him that has Aspergers and I didn't want to be asking questions because he seemed like he was embarassed to tell me. I did my own research online to learn more about it. He is a very sweet person but I sometimes get confused like you. Like when we were first getting to know each other, he would go for days without replying to my texts. This would happen on a regular basis and it made me feel like maybe he wasn't into me. However, he would tell me that he liked me alot. After a month of this, I asked him straight up if he was into me because I didn't want to waste his or my time if the feelings weren't mutual. He asked me why I asked him that and I didn't bring up that he would lag on getting back to me, but I brought up that it was always me asking him to hang out, he would never ask me. He seemed to have gotten upset that I told him that because he told me that he never indicated that he didn't like me and that he was starting to feel like he was being pushed. I apologized for coming off as pushy but I told him that I just wanted to make sure that he and I were on the same page. We made up after that with no hard feelings, and he did start asking me to hang out after that. However, he still lags on responding to me. Not days like before but like 3 or more hours most of the time. Also, he is completely fine with going 2 weeks without seeing me. I want to tell him that this bothers me, but I don't want to hurt his feelings or start a fight like last time I brought an issue up. I try to be patient and understanding with him. I want to be a good girlfriend to him and I want to be as supportive as I can which is why I've come on here to seek advice. I even told him to tell me if there is something that I'm doing or not doing that bothers him. He told me the same thing back but I'm nervous to bring up the issues.

  • In reply to TeenieReenie:

    Run away as fast as you can
  • In reply to TeenieReenie:

    Aspies are worth knowing for sure but we have problem most times with expressing intimacy/affection. My children view me as cold so I do make efforts here as I don't want them to feel unloved. Most of the bluntness comes from simply stating the facts which we have no problem with as we always answer with what we know.. Not so with those on the receiving end. I've had major communication issues at work without even knowing ppl are upset with me. Just doesn't register as it does for others, I do try but usually tell those to please let me know if I have offended them by being truthful and straight forward with me. Many times I keep to myself because I have a difficult time keeping friendships and relationships going. Think with what you want and see if your boyfriend is willing to put in the required effort because it would be a shame for you to not feel appreciated and we do have a tendency to do that unfortunately.
  • In reply to Kmdd22:

    My boyfriend and I actually had our first big fight last week because I told him that it hurts me when I don't hear from him all day and that we don't talk on the phone that often. He got very defensive and he said that was bs. He completely invalidated my feelings because, according to him, he dotes on me and treats me like a queen. While he does dote on me when we are physically together, I feel that when we aren't he sort of puts me on the backburner. I tried explaining this to him in the most gentle way I knew how, but he still got upset. He felt that I was being ridiculous and that what I felt wasn't true. I felt like he was invalidating my feelings and not having empathy. We didn't speak for 4 days. When we talked again we didn't bring up the fight at all. I want to move forward but I also feel that these issues need to be addressed and not just swept under the rug. I am very nervous for our future. We are just going to run into the same problem again if we don't discuss and work it out. Thank you for your advice.