need advice in dealing with asperger husband

Sigh, where to begin....  my husband is a 73 yo professional man, I am 61yo. we have been married 17 years now.  I learned he has aspergers when I began my training for autism, (I work for a public school) and began connecting what I was learning to what I was living.  

He has always struggled socially and until then I did not understand it.  Now that I do understand, I have tried guiding him socially to no avail.  He repeats the same behaviors over and over no matter how many times we have gone over how this is not socially acceptable or how it is hurtful to me or others.  Social media being one of the issues here.  He says the most hurtful things to people in our town, his friends, sometimes his family... because he just does.  He is literal and perhaps it is true, but he does not get the "just think it don't say it out loud part because it is hurtful" part.

He has said many things to or about me among friends even though I coach him prior to going out and remind him of the last time and how it made me feel.  

He is smart, giving, loving...(well not physically only verbally) and sincere.  He is a very private person.  He also has depression and anxiety which he is on meds for.

He does not really talk to me at home and I am a very social being.  I am a very up, playful and an active person.  (he is very active as well) He drinks a lot but is never drunk, he is always on some sort of electronic device be it to read news or facebook, (where he gets people angry) or he is outside puttering about. I am lonely and confused.  When we are with our close friends he talks non stop leaving no room for others to speak, (they all love him by the way and get a kick out of him) he is always correcting me or others with the term, "well actually" and he is always right because he is so smart but..... 

He can't go to movies with me unless they are light and funny because he actually feels what the actors are acting, we take separate cars to social events because he never wants to stay long leaving me lonely for his company.  He will agree to do things with me sometimes but they are painful for him which I always notice and end the event to go home with him.  Again leaving me lonely the rest of the night because he is silent, he does not talk to me unless it is necessary.

I love him dearly but seem to be stuck with what/how to handle things.  There is so much more here that I deal with, how do you put your life into writing.....  

No support groups in our area, no one I know dealing with this and I feel like I just need support somehow.  

I would be grateful for any connections or relations to this.  I want to understand and have guidance from someone who lives it.  Has anyone out there figured this out yet???

By the way, I love humor and so far can still laugh about my life....  

Thank you in advance,

Tresa

  • You say, "No support groups in our area" -- where is your area? I would suggest that you do everything you can to build an informal peer support network in your local area, which then could eventually evolve into a more formally organized support group. You could start by including your location in your signature in this and any other online autism-related support forums you participate in. Also, if you can afford and don't mind spending the necessary money, you could start a group on Meetup.

    As for him embarrassing you on social media, have you tried suggesting that he spend less of his online time on Facebook and more of it on more anonymous social media? For example, perhaps he could participate in an online Aspie support forum, or a message board devoted to one of his hobbies? In an anonymous forum, he can't embarrass you no matter what he says about you, as long as he doesn't use your name or other identifying info.

    I can also think of plenty of other, more general reasons to boycott Facebook, but that's a separate matter, which I won't go into now unless I am asked, if you need ammunition to convince your husband to get off of Facebook.

    Anyhow, I hope you manage to find other women in your area whose situation is similar to yours, hopefully including some women with whom you have other things in common too, so you can become friends and do, for each other, some of the things your husbands/boyfriends can't do for you -- such as accompanying each other to various social events that your husbands/boyfriends don't want to go to, or throwing birthday parties for each other, if that's important to you but your husbands/boyfriends find it to be too stressful.

    (I personally am NOT in a similar situation. For example, neither my boyfriend nor I make a big to-do about each other's birthdays, and neither of us has a problem with this -- but I imagine it most likely WOULD be a big bone of contention between us if one of us were NT. And it seems to me that the only reasonable solution to this kind of problem, for NT partners of autistic people, is for the NT partners to band together with each other to fill in at least some of the perceived gaps in their lives -- and make sure they do so in a way that does not threaten their relationships with their autistic partners, of course.)