Aspie and NT Marriage - Can It Survive?

Hi All, 

I have recently come across this community and am hoping that others out there might have some guidance or personal experience that they can share with me. 

My husband and I have been married for coming up on 11 years and he discovered he had Aspergers around 5 years ago. He was very open to this experience because for him it seemed to make his life "make sense". It was like someone turned on a light bulb for him and he felt that he could now understand why he feels so different and struggles with things that others do not. 

He is a loyal, responsible and honest man who has shown me many things about love and trust and I am exceptionally grateful for that. 

Over the past 6 months or so however I have started to feel very dissatisfied with the state of our relationship. Like many others in this community I feel like I am living with a room mate not a husband. There is no passion or intimacy which I miss terribly. I have a constant feeling of forcing him to show me affection or really give me any indication that he finds me attractive or wants to be with me. 

In addition to that our personality differences have become very apparent over this period. I am very social and really enjoy going out and meeting new people and experiencing new things, which is exceptionally difficult for him. He is quite content to stay at home and work on solitary projects and sit on his phone a lot of the time. 

I am the care taker of the home, I organise and manage everything for the daily running of our house hold (noting that we don't have kids). I organise our finances and budget, complete any paperwork that needs doing, plan out our grocery lists and even answer his emails for him as sometimes as he struggles greatly with that. 

To put it simply, I really don't feel like I have a partner and this is not the marriage I had envisioned for us. We have discussed my feelings of dissatisfaction and questions of whether this is enough, but as many of you will know and understand this resulted in him shutting down completely. I was quite emotional at the time and he finds that difficult to deal with and process. 

I don't feel any anger towards him, as I understand that this is who he is and there really is nothing he can do about it. My concern is whether we can continue to grow together, rather than apart as a result of this. 

We are both only in our early 30's and I can honestly say that if this will be the way our relationship will remain for the rest of my life I am not sure whether that is ok with me.

Admittedly I feel quite disloyal for posting these thoughts, but I don't really have anywhere else to turn and I am hoping that someone out there has been through this and can offer some thoughts or their experiences. 

Thanks in advance for your support. 

 

 

 

  • I’ve been in a similar marriage for 30 years. At around the 10 year mark I hit a wall and after much soul searching, decided to stay. I had three small children at that point and it would have been extremely difficult to leave. That said, 20 years later it’s never changed. I’m resentful.
  • I’ve been in a similar marriage for 30 years. At around the 10 year mark I hit a wall and after much soul searching, decided to stay. I had three small children at that point and it would have been extremely difficult to leave. That said, 20 years later it’s never changed. I’m resentful.
  • I’ve been in a similar marriage for 30 years. At around the 10 year mark I hit a wall and after much soul searching, decided to stay. I had three small children at that point and it would have been extremely difficult to leave. That said, 20 years later it’s never changed. I’m resentful.
  • I’ve been in a similar marriage for 30 years.  At around the 10 year mark I hit a wall and after much soul searching, decided to stay.  I had three small children at that point and it would have been extremely difficult to leave.  That said, 20 years later it’s never changed.    I’m resentful.  

  • Hi there, from a male veteran. First, don't feel disloyal or guilty for posting. Much better that you communicate, find people who can give you thoughtful feedback and support.
    I consider myself to be "high-functioning, on the spectrum" (of autism), and have also been told that I display various traits of Asperger's S. I'm generally affectionate to my wife, but I've always had general challenges with things like empathy (with anybody) in discussing particular issues.
    To make a long story short, after 26 years together, my wife and I are doing research to start couples counseling, which we've discussed twice before. This time, we both feel the need strong enough that I now we will do it.
    I suggest you and your husband discuss couples counseling as well. If you can't get him to go, then I suggest you seek counseling for yourself.
    Best,
    AusticCoastie
  • Hi there, from a male veteran. First, don't feel disloyal or guilty for posting. Much better that you communicate, find people who can give you thoughtful feedback and support.

    I consider myself to be "high-functioning, on the spectrum" (of autism), and have also been told that I display various traits of Asperger's S. I'm generally affectionate to my wife, but I've always had general  challenges with things like empathy (with anybody) in discussing particular issues.

    To make a long story short, after 26 years together, my wife and I are doing research to start couples counseling, which we've discussed twice before. This time, we both feel the need strong enough that I now we will do it.

    I suggest you and your husband discuss couples counseling as well. If you can't get him to go, then I suggest you seek counseling for yourself.

    Best,

    AusticCoastie

  • My husband has aspergers. He is also a Naval Officer, as there is no formal diagnosis in his medical file. I was aware of this before marrying him. My advice is this. You have to let him know what you want, he is not going to pick up on subtle cues. It is the way his brain is wired differently. He is never going to be able to see it in "the other persons shoes" so to speak. As he has no frame of reference to do so. Do not get confrontational with him, that will cause him to shut down.

    I will admit yes I do feel lonely at times. It is depressing. I am actually going to go to therapy for myself to help me cope. He has never brought me flowers, and has not told me he loves me in over a year. I do think in time he will learn appropriate responses to things it will just take a long time.

    He has all the access to the master financial account. I have my own bank account. He does not trust me with money and he makes all the financial decisions. I do get money from property that I own that I am currently renting out.

    Main issue is trust. But his father told me that he does not trust anyone. He is very lovey at times but only when it best suits him. He is a control freak, but thats aspergers.