Wife with a Aspi husband - This is SO hard!!

Hi all,

I'm very new to this group, I literally just and this is my first post.

When I first married my husband I had no idea he had Asperger’s but I knew something was a-miss with him, I just figured we could eventually work it out. Now I’m 11 years into this marriage, we have kids and it seems to be getting worse instead of better.  It was my mother-in-law who is my husband’s step mother that told me that he has Asperger’s. She said he was diagnosed in HS but his father never told him that he was an Aspi. Consequently he doesn’t believe anything is wrong on his part and as far as I know he has never bothered to look into what Asperger’s is.

He has all the classic symptoms: Can’t give eye contact, emotionally immature, any criticism, concern or correction turns into a battle as if he was being attacked by an army of dragons out to take his life and I’m the queen leader of the dragons. We can’t communicate normally about anything…ever! He keeps information from me, big stuff and minor stuff, all of it. It gets in the way of raising our children, finances, everything, right down to the groceries!!  There is no intimate conversation between a husband and wife, no hugs unless instigated by me and even then it feels empty. No conflict resolution or discussion after the air settles from a fight which can take days or weeks just for the air to settle. We can’t go to a traditional marriage therapist who doesn’t understand the dynamic in a AS/NT relationship and I can’t seem to find one that specializes in it.

I’m at my wits end and don’t know where to turn for help. I’m not interested in walking out the door and blowing my family up because I’m angry or sad. I don’t believe in making life altering decisions in the height of an emotional outburst.  I know that I haven’t looked hard enough for help, which is what brought me to this site in the first place. I wish I could find a support group that I can go to physically as well as online but can’t seem to find any in the Phoenix area. But again, maybe I’m not looking hard enough.

I just need some input and help because I don’t know how to navigate these waters. I need other women and men who are in the same position to give me some insight. I need other Aspi’s to teach me how to get out of this place of stuck with my Aspi husband. I don’t need or want negative input, I have enough of that in my head already and certainly don’t need someone else’s negative input to fill more space. It’s heavy and it doesn’t feel good. So please, if you have something constructive to say, teach or a similar situation, I’m all ears and desperately seeking a marriage that has the potential of moving powerfully forward.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’m grateful to have found this site as I have been asking the universe for help in a big way.

  • In reply to Carol Horton:

    Hopefully you will see this and so will everyone else who doubts us, as wives in these “no-where-marriages!” They are hopeless because the Aspies will never change! Therapy is futile because all they will tell the couple is; the neuro-typical spouse needs to be the one to CHANGE in order to accommodate the Aspie and make the marriage work! Well, I didn’t sign up for a life of this tiresome, selfishness on their part! They plow through life with one agenda...THEIRS! My husband has left me after I fractured vertebrae in my back from a car accident and could not lift and barely walk, with our young son with autism, while he went to play a double header softball game! Who does that?
    Here is a link to read if other wives:
    heartlessaspergers.com/.../
  • In reply to Carol Horton:

    Hopefully you will see this and so will everyone else who doubts us, as wives in these “no-where-marriages!” They are hopeless because the Aspies will never change! Therapy is futile because all they will tell the couple is; the neuro-typical spouse needs to be the one to CHANGE in order to accommodate the Aspie and make the marriage work! Well, I didn’t sign up for a life of this tiresome, selfishness on their part! They plow through life with one agenda...THEIRS! My husband has left me after I fractured vertebrae in my back from a car accident and could not lift and barely walk, with our young son with autism, while he went to play a double header softball game! Who does that?

    Here is a link to read if other wives:

  • In reply to Lauren Gilbert:

    You have absolutely no idea what you are talking about, and are rude for judging her! I walk in her shoes, and she is accurate in her description of a life wit a true Aspergers spouse. It will NEVER change! Run if you ever come close to a relationship with one as a possible spouse, as it will get worse as years go by. They will make you feel as though it is YOUR fault until you finally realize you are not the crazy one! They are sly and manipulative in making everyone think they are charming...meanwhile, you will slowly die inside, a lonely life. And NO ONE will believe the bizarre life you are living with them! People will judge and blame the wrong spouse...just like you are, Lauren. We, the trapped lonely wives are a lost minority’s with nowhere to turn for help. There are virtually no therapists that “get it” and will only tell us to adapt to them and their selfishness. They only care about themselves as they really don’t know how to feel empathy for our feelings. Read my link I posted of other wives and their examples of desperation. Stop judging us because you have NO IDEA what our lives are like!

  • In reply to Cabin Fever:

    Some Aspie husbands on here gave very kind replies. As difficult and frustrating as life can be with an Aspie spouse, there's no escaping the fact that they are not doing it deliberately, and therefore it seems harsh to judge, blame and hold them responsible. I understand how hard it is because I have one, and for years did not know why our lives were so difficult. But I also have a high functioning AS son who I hope will find an understanding partner when he grows up. It breaks my heart to think that he will have to suffer relationships failing because of something he can't help. Compassion and patience is what is needed, not condemnation. I know the site you have linked to and I found it revelatory to find out I was not the only one experiencing this, but I was also able to stand back from it and see that a lot of women were venting and while the emotional reaction is understandable, as an overview of the whole situation, at the end of the day, it isn't rational to frame Aspie partners as deliberately abusive. Being oblivious is not the same as being sly and manipulative. And oblivious is closer to the truth. As much as it may make us feel better to blame them, it is pointless and lacks compassion for a real affliction which they can not help.
  • In reply to Cabin Fever:

    Some Aspie husbands on here gave very kind replies. As difficult and frustrating as life can be with an Aspie spouse, there's no escaping the fact that they are not doing it deliberately, and therefore it seems harsh to judge, blame and hold them responsible. I understand how hard it is because I have one, and for years did not know why our lives were so difficult. But I also have a high functioning AS son who I hope will find an understanding partner when he grows up. It breaks my heart to think that he will have to suffer relationships failing because of something he can't help. Compassion and patience is what is needed, not condemnation. I know the site you have linked to and I found it revelatory to find out I was not the only one experiencing this, but I was also able to stand back from it and see that a lot of women were venting and while the emotional reaction is understandable, as an overview of the whole situation, at the end of the day, it isn't rational to frame Aspie partners as deliberately abusive. Being oblivious is not the same as being sly and manipulative. And oblivious is closer to the truth. As much as it may make us feel better to blame them, it is pointless and lacks compassion for a real affliction which they can not help.
  • There is a resource app you can get on iphone, written by an NT wife and AS husband, Asperger Marriage Instant Help, it's excellent
  • There is a resource app you can get on iphone, written by an NT wife and AS husband, Asperger Marriage Instant Help, it's excellent
  • There is a resource app you can get on iphone, written by an NT wife and AS husband, Asperger Marriage Instant Help, it's excellent

  • I was married before I was diagnosed and my marriage ended badly, years later got diagnosed, then a few years after that I somehow got back with her (not remarried) and I told her about my diagnosis, little did I realize she's a textbook narcissist, I'm just glad I didn't remarry her! I know I have my issues, but she doesn't see nor admit to having any, I'm trying to hang in for the sake of our 2 kids, but it's not easy and I know staying together just for the kids isn't enough and could make things worse for all, all involved must be able to admit their own separate issues before progress can be made, maybe this could benefit others