Wife with a Aspi husband - This is SO hard!!

Hi all,

I'm very new to this group, I literally just and this is my first post.

When I first married my husband I had no idea he had Asperger’s but I knew something was a-miss with him, I just figured we could eventually work it out. Now I’m 11 years into this marriage, we have kids and it seems to be getting worse instead of better.  It was my mother-in-law who is my husband’s step mother that told me that he has Asperger’s. She said he was diagnosed in HS but his father never told him that he was an Aspi. Consequently he doesn’t believe anything is wrong on his part and as far as I know he has never bothered to look into what Asperger’s is.

He has all the classic symptoms: Can’t give eye contact, emotionally immature, any criticism, concern or correction turns into a battle as if he was being attacked by an army of dragons out to take his life and I’m the queen leader of the dragons. We can’t communicate normally about anything…ever! He keeps information from me, big stuff and minor stuff, all of it. It gets in the way of raising our children, finances, everything, right down to the groceries!!  There is no intimate conversation between a husband and wife, no hugs unless instigated by me and even then it feels empty. No conflict resolution or discussion after the air settles from a fight which can take days or weeks just for the air to settle. We can’t go to a traditional marriage therapist who doesn’t understand the dynamic in a AS/NT relationship and I can’t seem to find one that specializes in it.

I’m at my wits end and don’t know where to turn for help. I’m not interested in walking out the door and blowing my family up because I’m angry or sad. I don’t believe in making life altering decisions in the height of an emotional outburst.  I know that I haven’t looked hard enough for help, which is what brought me to this site in the first place. I wish I could find a support group that I can go to physically as well as online but can’t seem to find any in the Phoenix area. But again, maybe I’m not looking hard enough.

I just need some input and help because I don’t know how to navigate these waters. I need other women and men who are in the same position to give me some insight. I need other Aspi’s to teach me how to get out of this place of stuck with my Aspi husband. I don’t need or want negative input, I have enough of that in my head already and certainly don’t need someone else’s negative input to fill more space. It’s heavy and it doesn’t feel good. So please, if you have something constructive to say, teach or a similar situation, I’m all ears and desperately seeking a marriage that has the potential of moving powerfully forward.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’m grateful to have found this site as I have been asking the universe for help in a big way.

  • I went in search of a solution for my problem when My husband wants to break up with me. we have been through a lot, he has cheated on me several times, he met a girl at his work place and thinks he is in love with her, he told me he wanted out, for me I don't because I still loved him I know this must sound stupid but never wanted him go. I tried to make him stay but everything went wrong, I loved him so much but he refused to change his mind, i waited for him to come his senses but nothing worked so i had to contact a spell caster for help because i knew that will be the best solution, then i contacted dr.mac@yahoo. com to help me to unite i and my lover and finally i came to the spot of getting him back which was awesome, my husband came back home, It felt good to have my lover back, !!!!
  • Hi. I know it's been awhile since you posted this, but I have only recently realized that I am slightly austistic. What helped me realize this was when my wife and I started our ranch a few years ago. I wondered why it was so much easier for me to understand cows instead of people. Then I watched videos on Temple Grandin, and her stories of having to spend time in a squeeze chute in college to calm herself down. My traits are not that severe, but I have a long trail of relationship issues and challenges that I have never understood. One of them is reacting to situations (particularly when I'm feeling attacked) in what to me is perfectly normal - and then when I'm calmed down, being amazed at the reactions of others. I can't tell you how many times I've heard this "didn't you hear yourself yelling????". No, I didn't. One thing that has helped me is the awareness of others that my reactions are not voluntary, they are automatic and uncontrolled. While I can't be protected from everything, it is helpful when my wife sees a situation that she knows might get me wound up, and talks to me about it so I can try and handle it. That helps so much more than when I'm reminded after the fact on how I screwed something up. Our hearts are good, we are just wired differently and we react differently. I'm 61 years old, and I'm finally figuring out how to control things better. Understanding and support is very helpful. Hope this helps.
  • Hi. I know it's been awhile since you posted this, but I have only recently realized that I am slightly austistic. What helped me realize this was when my wife and I started our ranch a few years ago. I wondered why it was so much easier for me to understand cows instead of people. Then I watched videos on Temple Grandin, and her stories of having to spend time in a squeeze chute in college to calm herself down. My traits are not that severe, but I have a long trail of relationship issues and challenges that I have never understood. One of them is reacting to situations (particularly when I'm feeling attacked) in what to me is perfectly normal - and then when I'm calmed down, being amazed at the reactions of others. I can't tell you how many times I've heard this "didn't you hear yourself yelling????". No, I didn't. One thing that has helped me is the awareness of others that my reactions are not voluntary, they are automatic and uncontrolled. While I can't be protected from everything, it is helpful when my wife sees a situation that she knows might get me wound up, and talks to me about it so I can try and handle it. That helps so much more than when I'm reminded after the fact on how I screwed something up. Our hearts are good, we are just wired differently and we react differently. I'm 61 years old, and I'm finally figuring out how to control things better. Understanding and support is very helpful. Hope this helps.
  • Hi. I know it's been awhile since you posted this, but I have only recently realized that I am slightly austistic. What helped me realize this was when my wife and I started our ranch a few years ago. I wondered why it was so much easier for me to understand cows instead of people. Then I watched videos on Temple Grandin, and her stories of having to spend time in a squeeze chute in college to calm herself down. My traits are not that severe, but I have a long trail of relationship issues and challenges that I have never understood. One of them is reacting to situations (particularly when I'm feeling attacked) in what to me is perfectly normal - and then when I'm calmed down, being amazed at the reactions of others. I can't tell you how many times I've heard this "didn't you hear yourself yelling????". No, I didn't. One thing that has helped me is the awareness of others that my reactions are not voluntary, they are automatic and uncontrolled. While I can't be protected from everything, it is helpful when my wife sees a situation that she knows might get me wound up, and talks to me about it so I can try and handle it. That helps so much more than when I'm reminded after the fact on how I screwed something up. Our hearts are good, we are just wired differently and we react differently. I'm 61 years old, and I'm finally figuring out how to control things better. Understanding and support is very helpful. Hope this helps.
  • It is extremely difficult! I too share in this situation with you in many many ways. I love my husband but always consider the door to the way out but choose not too. We have 2 boys together and, like you, I have an amazing relationship with them both. Unfortunately they do not have the same with their father. It breaks my heart but that's only something he can change. Instead of mirroring everything you are already experiencing I'm going to be proactive and share what has helped me and my family.
    1. I let him know how I feel on a daily/ weekly basis GOOD and bad and indifferent in a text or writing a note. It takes him time to digest everything. He seems to always realize what his behavior was/is for the week/day and then thereafter talks to me about it. GOOD or bad - honestly that is the key. No matter how upset, angry, out of sorts I am I do what I need to overcome the anger so it doesn't effect my kids - it effects the kids whether we want to believe it or not, they feel it more than we do.
    2. I try to reflect on US, just him and I monthly grabbing a photo album of our wedding or our honeymoon or pictures of when our boys were born, and other past memorable moments. It seems to calm him (and me) of what we had/ have together.
    3. On the flipside, I'm high strung, don't like clutter, and always on the go which is overwhelming for him. I have to stop myself ALOT. However I stop and focus on the things he likes to do and talk about those things, he goes on and on and on... It so helps to make some things about him in the good... not just the bad and the ugly. I watch shows/ movies he wants to watch even though I can't stand them... since doing this he's realized and acknowledges that 'you don't like these kinds of shows, let's watch something we both enjoy'. This took time.
    4. Touch is sooo important and is a vital part of our marriage. I'm not referring to sex here, sure that's a fix for the moment but not over time. I'm referring holding his hand while sitting watching tv, in the car, or while shopping, walking from/to the car. My husband loves having his hands scratched gently with my fingernails. While he's working on his laptop or reading the newspaper I give him a neck and shoulder massage. It seems like alot but really isn't . He has even started reciprocating on his own at other times.
    I often ask 'where's the marriage manual they forgot to give us?' Marriage is not easy, never is or has been for many in present or past from talking with many. ALWAYS remember it could be so much worse. Be thankful there's no abuse, even though it may feel like it verbally. Breathe. I look at my boys and realize how blessed I am and how blessed they are to have both of us. He is a great dad to them, but feel he's missing out on some things but that's where I realize I have to stop. He's really a great husband. Even though there are times I feel like I'm just a roommate, maid or anything but his wife these tools I've shared have helped. It's NOT EASY by any means, however, it was a lot more difficult beforenot knowing what to do that now it's less difficult. I'm not going to lie, it can still be extremely frustrating and you have to find what helps you get through it. For me, I work out or do something with my kids or bake - I focus on me and my boys.
    I wish you happiness and the best. I realized in the middle of typing this was posted over a year ago and hope this isn't too late. Sometimes it helps knowing you're not the only one in this situation and at the same time wish/ hope nobody else is experiencing something like this. Just remember, it takes two and sometimes when it feels like we're three ones doing it all sometimes the other person feels the same way. It's difficult to explain but I know you know exactly what I mean.
  • Hi my name is Kevin I stumbled on this video and made me more convinced to try it...I just wanna share it not to encourage you to try but to believe we still have hope.
    www.facebook.com/.../
    http://bit.ly/2yGL4g7
  • Hi my name is Kevin I stumbled on this video and made me more convinced to try it...I just wanna share it not to encourage you to try but to believe we still have hope.
    www.facebook.com/.../
    http://bit.ly/2yGL4g7
  • Hi my name is Kevin I stumbled on this video and made me more convinced to try it...I just wanna share it not to encourage you to try but to believe we still have hope.
    www.facebook.com/.../
    http://bit.ly/2yGL4g7
  • Hi my name is Kevin I stumbled on this video and made me more convinced to try it...I just wanna share it not to encourage you to try but to believe we still have hope.
    www.facebook.com/.../
    http://bit.ly/2yGL4g7
  • Hello, my husband has asperger too, I am curious that do your children have asperger or not, if it's not private, if it's ,I am sorry. Because we are thinking to have a baby soon, but i don't know if its genetic or not? Thank you.
  • In reply to Carol Horton:

    This post is two years old but I relate to it so much. Hope you are thriving!
  • Hi there! I know this post is old but I just joined and saw this! I’ve been married to my husband for 25 years, and from the sounds of this...you are describing MY husband too! It’s a very exhausting, disturbing, lonely, and hard existence living with these Aspergers husbands! Everything you said is TRUE, and Lauren Gilbert’s responses are nonsense. She obviously has NO IDEA what it’s like! I could write a book! They DO NOT know how to communicate. My husband cannot even make phone calls to solve problems. He can’t call insurance companies, the bank, make Dr appointments, or take care of ANY business, financial or any other kind! We have NEVER in our entire marriage had a meaningful conversation. We have driven for HOURS together in the car, and my husband doesn’t talk. We eat meals together, and he has never talked then.
    We have a son with autism, that I have basically raised on my own. I have done ALL of the research to find him therapy, the best classrooms, doctors, specialists, devices for speech...all while my husband obsessed with his cars and car races over the years!
    NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING changes them!
    I have tried to talk to him from the beginning (before I realized something was off). “Why don’t you talk more? Why dont you discuss our son with my? Why aren’t you heartbroken about his diagnosis, like I am?
    Can’t you skip going to the car races this week to spend time with us?
    They only see life ONE way...THEIR way! They do not understand empathy. I have NEVER seen my husband cry in all of the years I’ve known him!
    I take care of EVERYTHING! No exaggeration! It is a very lonely life with a spouse in the house.
    He uses the SAME bowl to eat every meal, the SAME cup. Smothers everything he eats with hot sauce. I can spend 2 hours making a nice meal, and he will pour hot sauce all over it!
    I have to remind him to change clothes or he would wear the same clothes every day. He will not buy new clothes. Has worn the same clothes for years. I finally threw them out and bought him new ones.
    It is SO EXHAUSTING for me, because I take care of our son, too.
    There is another website that I found, and it was a saving grace for me because all of the wives were in the same position that I am in! I knew then, that I wasn’t the crazy one! Their stories are sad and they will make you cry. I will get the link if anyone wants it.
    Lauren Gilbert needs to read it. She is clueless about the TRUTH with these husbands. I cry many days and want to escape, but it’s not that easy financially.
  • Hi there! I know this post is old but I just joined and saw this! I’ve been married to my husband for 25 years, and from the sounds of this...you are describing MY husband too! It’s a very exhausting, disturbing, lonely, and hard existence living with these Aspergers husbands! Everything you said is TRUE, and Lauren Gilbert’s responses are nonsense. She obviously has NO IDEA what it’s like! I could write a book! They DO NOT know how to communicate. My husband cannot even make phone calls to solve problems. He can’t call insurance companies, the bank, make Dr appointments, or take care of ANY business, financial or any other kind! We have NEVER in our entire marriage had a meaningful conversation. We have driven for HOURS together in the car, and my husband doesn’t talk. We eat meals together, and he has never talked then.

    We have a son with autism, that I have basically raised on my own. I have done ALL of the research to find him therapy, the best classrooms, doctors, specialists, devices for speech...all while my husband obsessed with his cars and car races over the years!

    NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING changes them!

    I have tried to talk to him from the beginning (before I realized something was off). “Why don’t you talk more? Why dont you discuss our son with my? Why aren’t you heartbroken about his diagnosis, like I am?

    Can’t you skip going to the car races this week to spend time with us?

    They only see life ONE way...THEIR way! They do not understand empathy. I have NEVER seen my husband cry in all of the years I’ve known him!

    I take care of EVERYTHING! No exaggeration! It is a very lonely life with a spouse in the house.

    He uses the SAME bowl to eat every meal, the SAME cup. Smothers everything he eats with hot sauce. I can spend 2 hours making a nice meal, and he will pour hot sauce all over it!

    I have to remind him to change clothes or he would wear the same clothes every day. He will not buy new clothes. Has worn the same clothes for years. I finally threw them out and bought him new ones.

    It is SO EXHAUSTING for me, because I take care of our son, too.

    There is another website that I found, and it was a saving grace for me because all of the wives were in the same position that I am in! I knew then, that I wasn’t the crazy one! Their stories are sad and they will make you cry. I will get the link if anyone wants it.

    Lauren Gilbert needs to read it. She is clueless about the TRUTH with these husbands. I cry many days and want to escape, but it’s not that easy financially.

  • In reply to stephanieyanharrison:

    Autism is genetic. We have a 19 year old son with autism, and he is non-verbal. My husband and I have been married for 25 years, but I did not realize my husband was Aspergers for a long time. There were red flags when I think back about all of thej strange little “quirks” that made me nstop for a few seconds and think “wait, that is weird, but kind of childlike and refreshing!” At First, I thought that way...because I had come out of a marriage where my first husband was very controlling and emotionally abusive. So in the beginning, this one was completely different, encouraging me to go do things...only to figure out later that it was his way of being left alone to his obsessions of cars and going to his car races! Lol!
    Anyway, when our son came along, I was so preoccupied with him and his care, that I didn’t have time to notice all the increasing strange habits, obsessions, and robotic routines. Until our son got older and didn’t need me quite as much, then I was shocked at my husband’s behavior...to the point that it makes me really sad.
    He never talked much about his family, never seemed to know much about his relatives...but when I would be around them, I started to take notice of possible signs of more Aspergers in the family! I never regret having my son...but if I knew then (about autism & Aspergers in that family), I would have run the other way!!!
  • In reply to stephanieyanharrison:

    Autism is genetic. We have a 19 year old son with autism, and he is non-verbal. My husband and I have been married for 25 years, but I did not realize my husband was Aspergers for a long time. There were red flags when I think back about all of thej strange little “quirks” that made me nstop for a few seconds and think “wait, that is weird, but kind of childlike and refreshing!” At First, I thought that way...because I had come out of a marriage where my first husband was very controlling and emotionally abusive. So in the beginning, this one was completely different, encouraging me to go do things...only to figure out later that it was his way of being left alone to his obsessions of cars and going to his car races! Lol!

    Anyway, when our son came along, I was so preoccupied with him and his care, that I didn’t have time to notice all the increasing strange habits, obsessions, and robotic routines. Until our son got older and didn’t need me quite as much, then I was shocked at my husband’s behavior...to the point that it makes me really sad.

    He never talked much about his family, never seemed to know much about his relatives...but when I would be around them, I started to take notice of possible signs of more Aspergers in the family! I never regret having my son...but if I knew then (about autism & Aspergers in that family), I would have run the other way!!!