so it has been a year since i took medication and i've been improving everyday and there were times that i've backsild but mangneged to get thought and work out. i'll be 23 in the next few days, and i need to reliaze that i'm getting older and cannot stay in a child-like mentalty. there were times i did feel depressed and almost lost hope.
like when i was sent away from home for like 4 months because of the water heater was not working and i had to stay from house to house. But i've lost myself because i was so accoustom to sean being my mentor that i wasn't funtoning and doing like i was told. the frist houst that i was spossed to stay temporaly, i acted out and i was sent back the my cousin's house later on. but that didn't mean i was gonna straighten out because i was still have some major issuses with my bad behavoir. so the last house that i was on, i did fine. i didn't act out. because the lady was older and i was trying to control my beavoir. early feburary, i came back with sean and i was so happy. but sean told me was that it wasn't the heater issue. it was the way that God was testing me. but i was sabatoging everything with my immaturty, lack of constistsy and non self control. and it stems back from when i was on the west side of chicago.
because i wasnt trying to be good for myself. because it was my depresson that made me act this certant way. i was homesick, and i missed sean even thought we still talked on the phone. it's a stuggle everyday. because i was always acting so childish and thinking in a selfish way that i don't ever relize the effices it has on people. the way i visuze things is that i have a care-less persona about myself. and i keep thinking that things are gonna go my way but that's not who this world is for. this world is for everybody. and i keep ingoring that fact. it's really buging me to be honest beacause i try to act smart when it's my time. mainipualtion is just the way i sort of act. and i try on to be that person but the sad part is that i am that guy and i don't even think about that. i keep saying sorry only to do bad things again because it shows that i have no remose whatsoever. to tell you the truth i'm my own worst eniemie.
i really really really really want to age my age. because i'm getting older. there are so many things that i think i know but have no idea how it's gonna play out. i make a big deal over the little things. sometimes i act lazy, don't try to talk to people. so i write my feeling out on paper or on the computer like how i'm doing right now. it expresses how i understand the way the world works and how it can be stressful. lately i've been using the Calm app on my phone to meditate my mind and staying calm. it has help me level down on my axeyity issues and bad beavorir is not being displayed as much. i still take my meds to help me not feel deprssed. and so far i'm doing good. but i completly understand that i got a long way to go on building rellatonships and have trust for people. i just need to keep practating my good beavivor. to help me grow and devop.