Blacking out and having frozen feelings...

hey Albert White here.

so at work this morning, i was doing current events  to watch the news.and all of a sudden i blanked out, started running and hitting myself, everybody at my unit was watching me go off until my boss Leshawn told me to calm down and sit at the cafeteria, at first calming down i didnt want to do it but i intervened and agreed.

the reason i've been having those flare ups was because i see an image in my mind of something very negative and harmful. i lose myself and triggers my anger and my autism. and i have those frozen feelings i have never been able to come out since my family members have died whiten years ranging to 2012-2017.

people think it's just pure bravery, i think it's cowardly. because i have been so used to getting hit at and yelled that it enjoys me in a sick way. and i've moved out in that lifestyle ever since but i'm really trying to maintain the good space in my life and not destroy what I've gotten. i hope a therapy will help me be better. 

 

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THAT TIME WERE YOU'VE BEEN HURT OR ABUSED THAT MAKE YOU HAVE ANGER ISSUSE AND CAUSE BLACKOUTS AND NEGATIVE IMAGES THAT MAKES YOU FEEL AWFUL AND FROZEN FEELINGS THAT MAKE FEEL LOST THAT IT DOE SENT MAKE YOU CRY SOMETIME? 

FEEL FREE TO COMMENT.

  • What you are talking about is PTSD
    You don't need autism to feel and act that way but autism makes it harder because it is hard to talk about the feelings.

    You need a therapist with experience with autism and PTSD from childhood adverse experience. This is something that CAN get better if you can find the right therapist. If you have trouble affording one then talk to whoever supports you and they may have some ideas.

    I was abused in childhood and it took a while to find the right therapist but I am better though not wholly cured of my anger and fear. It helped me to know that I was frightening people because in this society we are discouraged from getting help so I thought I should try and MAKE myself better. That didn't work. The world of humans can be truly weird. Have patience and compassion for yourself.

    Nora
  • Well luckily the people at my job has set a therapy session for me next week. it's very nice that we share the same problems in our lives. and have the same flaws. if this world was a better place, we would thrive by.
  • Please check in with us and update with how you're doing Alwhite. Our good thoughts and prayers are with you! Kris ( :
  • Please check in with us and update with how you're doing Alwhite. Our good thoughts and prayers are with you! Kris ( :
  • UPDATE:
    about a week ago, Wednesday to be exact. i went to therapy for the first time. it was over at the Frick center at Chicago.
    me and Sean(who's my mentor and caregiver) went to see dr. green{who's my therapist) over via Skype.

    i explained my ongoing troubles facing at work and personal issues prior to me going to envisions unlimited(the company that i'm at). dating back years ago. and he said that i'll be taking mild pills to help stimulate my social skills so that i could thrive. as of this writing, i haven't gotten the pills yet but i'm taking my time everyday. i don't have to rush and rush in order to get the results. after the therapy session was over, i turned my phone on and my aunt was trying to reach me. i called her and she's doing very well. she told me that she was sober and living in Iowa. last time i checked on her, she was at St. Louis. plus she told me she got a car now and would like to see me and Sean to visit and he agreed as they talked for a moment. i was very happy she was truing her life around. meanwhile i gotta grow up somehow. two weeks from now i'll be 22 years old. i gotta put myself first for anything else so that i can make it in the real world. And apply on other things to learn. cause what's my future's gonna be like when i'm 30? i don't know. but while i'm in this earth, i gotta do in my part.
  • Update:

    i've now gotten the medication and it's helping me right now! i've not been jumping or being frigidity like i was.
    and guess what. i've been working at the front desk, fedex packing and key filing in just 4 days. with a side of watering plants. and i'm on it. everything is running very smoothly. the medication has been taking a big part on my development. i like this. very much.
  • Great to hear Alwhite! Thanks for the update on how you're doing. Well I'm VERY happy to hear you're feeling more positive and receiving the support you needed. It's important to be able to recognize the importance of being able to do that and believe me I know it's not easy but it's necessary for our wellbeing. Cheers !
  • Great to hear Alwhite! Thanks for the update on how you're doing. Well I'm VERY happy to hear you're feeling more positive and receiving the support you needed. It's important to be able to recognize the importance of being able to do that and believe me I know it's not easy but it's necessary for our wellbeing. Cheers !
  • HELLO TO YOU ALL. I JUST WANT TO WISH EVERYBODY HAPPY AUTISM AWARENESS DAY!!!!
  • UPDATE:

    so it has been a year since i took medication and i've been improving everyday and there were times that i've backsild but mangneged to get thought and work out. i'll be 23 in the next few days, and i need to reliaze that i'm getting older and cannot stay in a child-like mentalty. there were times i did feel depressed and almost lost hope.

    like when i was sent away from home for like 4 months because of the water heater was not working and i had to stay from house to house. But i've lost myself because i was so accoustom to sean being my mentor that i wasn't funtoning and doing like i was told. the frist houst that i was spossed to stay temporaly, i acted out and i was sent back the my cousin's house later on. but that didn't mean i was gonna straighten out because i was still have some major issuses with my bad behavoir. so the last house that i was on, i did fine. i didn't act out. because the lady was older and i was trying to control my beavoir. early feburary, i came back with sean and i was so happy. but sean told me was that it wasn't the heater issue. it was the way that God was testing me. but i was sabatoging everything with my immaturty, lack of constistsy and non self control. and it stems back from when i was on the west side of chicago.

    because i wasnt trying to be good for myself. because it was my depresson that made me act this certant way. i was homesick, and i missed sean even thought we still talked on the phone. it's a stuggle everyday. because i was always acting so childish and thinking in a selfish way that i don't ever relize the effices it has on people. the way i visuze things is that i have a care-less persona about myself. and i keep thinking that things are gonna go my way but that's not who this world is for. this world is for everybody. and i keep ingoring that fact. it's really buging me to be honest beacause i try to act smart when it's my time. mainipualtion is just the way i sort of act. and i try on to be that person but the sad part is that i am that guy and i don't even think about that. i keep saying sorry only to do bad things again because it shows that i have no remose whatsoever. to tell you the truth i'm my own worst eniemie.

    i really really really really want to age my age. because i'm getting older. there are so many things that i think i know but have no idea how it's gonna play out. i make a big deal over the little things. sometimes i act lazy, don't try to talk to people. so i write my feeling out on paper or on the computer like how i'm doing right now. it expresses how i understand the way the world works and how it can be stressful. lately i've been using the Calm app on my phone to meditate my mind and staying calm. it has help me level down on my axeyity issues and bad beavorir is not being displayed as much. i still take my meds to help me not feel deprssed. and so far i'm doing good. but i completly understand that i got a long way to go on building rellatonships and have trust for people. i just need to keep practating my good beavivor. to help me grow and devop.