Adult 24 yr. old son who I recently heard about Aspergers Syndrome and I think he has it.

My son lives at home with us. He seems normal in most respects and I just recently heard about AS, and it hit home. There seemed to be something wrong when he was growing up, but nothing obvious and I couldn't really put my finger on it. For example, if he said something cute and his father and I laughed with him, he would get angry and say "Stop laughing at me." He just doesn't always react normally in certain social situations, but you wouldn't think anything is wrong with him if you met him. He is smart and seems normal, but I've recently heard about AS and it hit home.

However, when I tried to get help, it was all for children and how to work with them. He is an adult, and I don't even want to tell him I think he has AS if I can't offer him any help. I don't want to make him feel bad about himself, I want to help him.

Anyone else out there like me? Anyone with information regarding how to help a young adult witih AS?

Thank you
  • Support groups,for young adults with AS.Knowing,that there are others that understand where you are comming from,and being able to talk to others with the same problems.There does,need to be more help,for adults,because there are many,that never got diagnosed.
  • This is for gloriahensel...My experience is similar to you in that my daughter seemed unusual in some ways and completely normal in others. Her intelligence was above average but she had no social skills and very bad social anxiety. She went through the public school system making very good grades and even went on to to college where she got several degress and even a masters degree. The problem is she seems unable to use that education to her best advantage. She works at a job way beneath her skills and remains nonsocial. I have mentioned to her that i am concerned about AS. She does not care to be labeled or to change her way of living. She does not want help. My concern is for her future. She says she likes to be alone not enjoying the company of most people. She actually says she dislikes 99% of people.
  • Someone actually said, Give me a seven year old, and I shall tell You what the person he will be. Or something like that. So I guess this view can be used for the goal of knowing the basis of what is asperger's and what are the main difficulties of an aspie. Since it is a life long condition, many symtoms dislayed in childhood would continue to appear in adulthood. A lot of things that could use to help the young one to adapt to the environment could be used to help the older one. Although a lot of materials related to adults available whether in the electronic forms, or hard copies. My own of opinion is things related to asperger's or autism seemingly benefited the people in their surroundings than themselves. Since their brain wire differently thus what make sense to the so called normal group does not make sense to them. Many of them would get angry if we want to change them. In many ways their opinion about life issues are quite valid although it can be abit extreme or over the top. Sju 058''S daughter does not enjoying the company of most people. She has her point as we all know many people are not honest, not sincere, judmental, ect,,,
    To be in the company of people like that, You loose yourself. To be alone to save your dignity and keep your sanity. So that is an intelligent choice. Why should she not get upset if her Mum wanted her to change?
    Always when we want to change the behaviour of someone we face with resistance for change.And if that one has asperger's or autism, or AHDD, the resistance is more difficult to conquer, as they share a kind of repetitive behaviours. We all make mistakes use our downfalls as lessons and move on to face with other challenge but those people find it hard to learn from their mistakes thus remain unchanged and stay in where they are in life un move or move only a little. Parents, especially concerned parents feel so sad.
  • I too have an adopted daughter with Aspergers. She is forty and only just diagnosed. This diagnosis explains so much of our shared past and present but does not take away the pain I feel at trying to be in relationship to her. I have found it not only challenging and difficult at every stage but frequently painful and extremely distressing....even heartbreaking. I know that I will keep at it though even though I don't think on a practical day to day level my love means anything at all to my daughter. I would love someone with aspergers to explain to me how and what they feel towards their family members.
  • I am with you too Patty J. I have a 66 yr old friend(female) who I considered a motherly figure but i soon realized she had problems. I was dumbfounded and couldn't understand how someone could act one way one moment and then act another way the next. She has alot of the symptoms of AS but I too would like perspective from someone with this disorder(condition). I have questions about love and what tAS sufferers actually feel. Help me find the answers...anyone :-)
  • Patty and Plumb. i can relate to your both feelings and experiences. I have a painful relationship with my daughter. Especially contentious. Challenging. Patience run thin at times. Heart Breaking. And I was dumbfounded to see that she could act one way one moment and act another way the next. The more she growth in age, the more symtoms in the flip side of asperger's become obvious.OCD, ADD, anxiety, malicious thoughts, applying inappropriated strategies again and again for a situation and learn nothing from a mistake.
  • This would be an excellent place for someone with AS to explain some of what these moms/friends want to clue into here in order to help their adult children.
  • To kmdd22, patty, plumb and others: I have wondered about myself for the Asperger question for the past several yrs as I have had probs all my life. I'm now 60. I also have a 38 yo son, who my oldest daughter and I have wondered about as having AS. Last wk, my psych told me I might have a degree of AS, and inwardly I leaped with excitement. Finally, I had a name for it. I could put a label on it, put it in a box and study it! How does it feel? As a child, I felt extremely awkward, excluded. I come from a severely dysfunctional family, so within my family I felt isolated with no one to go to. Some of my teachers liked me and I felt comfortable or at least as comfortable as I could with them. As a child, I was very clumsy and so was always the last to be chosen for dodge ball, baseball, soccer, etc. Once in a while, I would make a friend, but it seemed they would dump me, and I never knew why. As an adult, these probs just became worse. I had a very deep inferiority complex, never feeling like I was able. The lack of friends really bothered me as an adult, not so much in being alone (I was used to that), but the visible fact that I had no friends embarassed me. My husband (now ex) would question me about it. I didn't know how to express myself, to share love with family or anyone else. I was numb, so often did not feel emotions. Holding a steady job has been difficult for me, usually lasting 2 yrs. I'm a hard worker and intelligent, but I never knew how to appropriately communicate with my boss/supervisor. I now have a job where I've been for 9 yrs, and I'm the happiest I've ever been in my employment. Whenever I found myself at a party or any kind of social gathering, I didn't know how to make conversation, and so quite often just sat there making a fool of myself. It has taken me all of my life to learn how to talk, to use my sense of humor, to find adequate words to express what I'm thinking and feeling. I still don't have "close" friends that I chat with every day. I do have at least 3 friends from my church who I know would do anything for me. All I have to do is pick up the phone. They're wonderful. Although I like to think of myself as a strong Christian, I find it extremely difficult to attend services, and hardly ever go to our parties. The auditorium is designed "in the round" and I feel no matter where I sit everybody can see me and I'm very self conscious. I'm very sensitive. I don't know whether to take a remark seriously or is just someone passively making a remark. I've been through 2 failed marriages and am not interested in looking for anyone, as I always choose the wrong man, and have no interest in going through that again. Nevertheless, I am able to be employable, am rebuilding relationships with at least my 3 daughters, and am having a ball with 4 of my 5 precious grandchildren. There is hope.
  • Doveyc
    You are an answer to my prayer. I am curious to find out why you have acknowledged this "condition" and seem to be dealing with it. My friend does not believe she has these issues and if I mention something, she feels that I am judging her. I am trying to make her aware of how she responds to things and to seek help (I approach her in a loving and kind way) Did you seek counsel, therapy, medication?? I could go into more detail about my friend and I will with another response. Please only respond if you feel comfortable with what you deal with as I have my perspective and she (you) have yours. I am only concerned for my friend and you too. :-)
  • Hi Doveyc, I too want to thank you for taking the time to write. I am glad that you have found a job that you enjoy and find your grandchildren to be a source of joy! My daughter now 40 has most of the symptoms of Aspergers but we did not know about this while she was growing up. Also, she seems and is very normal in many ways. She has always been seemingly unable to show feeling,indifferent and fairly socially isolated. She can be very rude and does not have the ability to empathize very well if at all.She would have a friend briefly but never more than one at a time and the friendships did not last. All her life I have wondered why and deep down felt her father and I must have done something awful to cause her to be this way. She is adopted and we were so glad to become her parents that I have always thought we must have spoiled her.and ruined her life though in my head I know this is not true or maybe only a little bit true. I do know she has always been this way. When I first took her to Nursery School (the first day when she was almost 3) she told me to go home and take care of the baby (her brother.) Her teacher told me she played alone the whole time and it's pretty much always been this way. Relationships do not bring her pleasure or so it seems.Anyway, I wonder if you could tell me if despite your dysfunctional family you liked your parents? My daughter seems to have little use for us though I think she cares but I don't know what that means really opposite her actions which don't show that. Thank you for reading this!
  • doveyc-It sounds as if the diagnosis gave you the explanation you were looking for and a relief too.If you like who you are and you have even a few friends isn't that all that really matters.You are a success if you feel like one despite society's ideas of one.At the time maybe you didn't feel like you fit in but i can assure you many people even those considered NT feel like that.I never got along well with lots of people but can be happy within myself regardless.I am the master of my own thoughts,actions and feelings.So if I feel good about myself I don't worry about the rest.I have also been somewhat of a loner too.I try to be a good person and raise my children with values which i feel are important and the rest is out of my hands.While the are definite challenges in my life I don't see them as failure anymore only areas in my life which require more energy and thought before moving on.It sounds you have a great understanding of some of the shortcomings that have occurred in your life and are now practicing the same things in these relationships with your children/grandchildren and getting pleasure/joy from all your hard work.You are describing success from what I am reading.You were doing great all by yourself.Feels good huh!
  • When our son was diagnose he was still in elementary. We were not sure either as to how to approach this to our son. We decided to talk to him and explain to him as to why he had to meet so many people and answer so many questions these people were professional psychycologist and they found out that you have Aspergers. I feel it was a great decision because middle school was horrible. Bullies attacked him left and right. Telling him help our son over come these bullies because he understood why he was being attacked; it was because he was different but that did not make ok for the bullies to pick on him so he also learn that he had a voice. So he would speak up when being picked on, he would simply tell the teacher and go directly to the bullies and point them out, The bullies soon learn to leave him alone. I also bought him books so has read about aspergers and tries to apply different strategies to his life. Understanding aspergers first is the key for both himself and us as a family. I recall hearing him pray for God to take the Aspergers away by helping him understand it. Now when you ask him about aspergers he says it's who I am and if God can love me I can too. Read a recent quote he wrote himself for Royal Rangers boy club.

    Hi, I am B.J. having Asperger Syndrome is hard because kids look at me weird. I guess it is because I play by myself and I play with my hands. They like to pick on me and push me around because they know I won't defend myself. I can't help going to play by myself. I guess I do it because I feel that no one will play what I want, so I go be by my self. I think it's because I still like to play pretend, which kids my age don't like. When I get mad I tend to lose control but I have learned to just leave the situation that is upsetting me, like mean kids or a mean teacher. When I start to get upset or anxious I usually start by crying with a mad face. I walk away because I feel I need to let out some steam. I do this, so I won't get in trouble or hurt someone accidentally. I am still learning allot about Aspergers. I thank God for my Mom and Dad because they talk to the schools and explain to them how how I learn best and they have me going to a social class with other kids that have aspergers. I have goals to finish school and I want to go to college because I want to be a engineer. Thank you

    He read this out loud in front of the kids. Each child read there own but since then they have all become closer. Which I think is because they now understand him better and he understands himself.

    I wanted give an update. I originally wrote this in 2008. Our son since then has graduated high school, he is driving, he has a job in retail for over a year and he is also attending college studing Vedio animation. Has God answered our prayers. I will say Yes! Asperger is just part of who he is and we have learned through our faith in God how to live with it and make it work. God always directed us to the right people that help us all. God bless you and be with you.

    [Updated on 10/7/2012 8:46 AM]
  • for pattyj: My poor mother. I never felt like I was part of the family. They never supported me when I needed it. Later on, when Mother was dying, I could finally have a relationship with her, in the form of an advocate... going to the hospital every day (20 min. at a time) to make sure she had all that she needed. When she died 6 mos later, I felt relief for her and me. Sherthebear
  • For Sherbear, Patty and others. My mother was a monster who wore human clothes. My youth was strangled by her cruelty, her inability to love. Just give one example that popping up to my conscious mind from the painful past. When I was in the toddle stage, both parents went to work. They locked me inside the home with a small load of bread (breakfast), I sat in the darkness and emptiness, played by myself, and went to the back door as it had a gap for me to see the lane way (the outside world) and waited for them to come home from work.
    One day, at lunch time, like usually my father got home. He tried to fix something in the ceiling of the kitchen area. I was happy to have him around. I held in my hand a lemon, and dropped the lemon in to the water cater similar to the bath tub( in Asia, very commonly that city households having this thing inside the kitchen). I tried to retrieve it and fell into the water. I am writing while seeing what is happening-oh, no, it stopped now...I lost my conscious. If my father was not there to get down as quick as he could and rescued me, I was death at the age of three.
    Now is the more cruel part. After the incident, instead of finding someone to look after me while they are not home (they had a very large extended family), they locked me into the table leg with a bicycle chain. They showed me how to unlock it when I wanted to go to the toilet and lock myself back when I finished. And I did it, religiously.And my mother told everybody that she could talk to( her sisters, when they came to visit, a life long I have never seen she had a friend friend) about this obeydience.So much psychological damaged.So much so.
    After that, I continued to receive a very heartless treatment from my mother(with the unwittingly help of my father). When I was 16, my clothes looked like rags, someone would
    ask if I was a servant. I became very withdrawn, as a way to deal with the hash environment. When someone commented about my behaviour, my mother said that I am mad because I fell into the water before.
    You who read this confiding could realise that my mother had not have a heart to start with. She was born with no ability to love. What saved me from insanity was my academic brilliant. I was always on top of class, excellent in all subjects especially with language, literature and mathematics. At the age of 20, I left the so called family. But kept coming back only to see that nothing change in my mother. I came back like before I went back to the chain and self locked myself into the table leg that was nothing else but a piece of wood, could not talk to me.














    about a year later when I had money, as I was very successful in business, I came back
  • Hi , I am Iris
    My son is 8 and he is going through assesments and they mention ASD to me. He goes for other test tomorrow. The more they told me about him the more I seen I have the same thing. I would love to have some help for me too. I just keep praying to God.

    Read my profile if you have time. My son has temper tantrums that are so unreal.
    Iris