trying to understand so i am do a very risky and rare thing to ask for help

hi. i am asher. there is something i do not understand. first i will explain.

i do not understand love and relationships. i keep telling people that i have crushes on them and it is turning out to be bad in every instance. people always tell me to be patient and wait. patience and waiting is not a problem. my questions are the problem.

first my gut instinct always leads me to people who are either not wanting relationships, in relationships, or they simply say know. it does not fail. but if i cannot follow my gut reaction then i can only follow my intellect. but i do not know how to understand this subject, so my mind cannot help me to discern anything. i do not understand any of the terms people use like types or when people ask me questions of what i look for in a person the only answers that come to mind is that the person is a woman and living. so this could account for nearly half the world. but being faced with so many rejections, i cannot answer the question because there is no pattern in my mind to be able to answer the question. so i know my thinking is defective. another issue is that people tell me all of these good things about myself which i agree and know are a part of me, yet seeing the numbers of rejections that i have faced how can these things be true. and even how could women want the qualities that i have, yet they all say no. how can i believe the good things are true or really even good or helpful when women pursue the opposite of me. they say they want someone like me, but they reject me with no though given and then pursue someone who is opposite of me. everything i am told and feel good about seems to be contradicted by what happens by experience.

another issue is that i have been given reasons like my spiritual level and the difference between my spiritual level and the spiritual level of another person being the reason why relationships do not happen for me. if this is so, then this means something i am not very comfortable with. it means to me that i have a higher level of spirituality than most other people and this makes us not compatible. but, even of the relationships that i have been in this has been the issue and they did not last and they were bad ones and being single for the past 3 years now and for most of my life along with living in two different places over 34 years means that spiritually i outweigh thousands upon thousands possibly more? how can this be possible? or is this another lie people have told me?

i do not know how to understand this all. i have been willing to give up, even feeling guilt for having such desires and wants, and hiding them and keeping them quiet. i regret even having feelings like this because they are shameful and any conduct linked with such feelings, wants, and desires is shameful and dishonorable. because i do not understand, i try to stay away from these issues because they make me do shameful and dishonorable acts like telling the person. but when i express that i want to forget and try to keep these things hidden i am encouraged to stay open and let the possibilities come and that this is natural and normal. how can it be? and if i do not understand and i am trying to understand, it causes trouble no matter what position i take. i ask for help in this area and people believe that i am obsessing about it and just be patient and wait. i am not sure, but i do not think people really believe me when i say i do not understand. and if i cannot get answers from people then i have to withdraw from contact because then i feel like nobody will help me and the only place i can turn to for help is books in the library which i do not understand and i get more frustrated. i have asked for help here before and now because i have attempted to ask for help on another asperger's/autism group i am being told i am obsessing about it and because i am getting frustrated, the blame is being turned on my somehow and i am being told that i am trying too hard and that i need to relax and let things happen. books are usually where i turn to for most of my questions in life because people assume that what i am telling them is not the truth. i do not like asking for help because i know in the end, i should have just gone to the library. i have read so many books on love and relationships and i do not understand any of them. i can quote them, but i do not know how to decipher them. i am tired of asking for help because i do not have many people or resources to turn to or ask and this is my final attempt at asking people for help. i cannot turn to my family because they tell me "if i stop acting crazy then i can find someone who is good and nice" or they will not answer me at all, i do not have many friends, the other group i belong to cannot comprehend how i have troubles understanding anything, and this group is my last attempt before i full shut down from asking for help. i am even afraid to ask here. if you can or want to, could someone please mentor me in this area.
Parents
  • First of all, nothing you are thinking or feeling is shameful or dishonorable so it’s time to reframe how you think about seeking human contact, company, support, connection, and affection. These are basic human needs! Everything you are feeling and talking about is totally normal and relatable so it was a great decision to reach out to your community and COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS. Im dating a man with Aspergers so I’m happy to chat about ways in which you might approach a neurotypical if you have an attraction to them. It’s important to moderate your intensity so that you don’t intimidate, off put, or confuse them. A lot of neurotypicals are not familiar enough with ASD symptoms to be able to empathize or understand why relationships/courtship is challenging for you, so focus on getting to know her as a person and genuinely enjoying your moments together, learning who she is and how SHE experiences the world. You will need this information to communicate smoothly and successfully with her if there is chemistry and the potential for growing closer together. Does that make more sense? Women are tricky because we have to constantly fear men we don’t know well, as some may become predatory or violent if we don’t reciprocate their advances. So keep in mind that, if women act stand offish, it may not be personal, they may just be acting cautious because you communicate/socialize differently and they are trying to protect themselves. So try to approach somewhat slowly, in a friendly and non threatening way. Be patient, be kind, and courteous. Focus on being a good natured, open hearted person and you will attract the same kind of person to you.

Reply
  • First of all, nothing you are thinking or feeling is shameful or dishonorable so it’s time to reframe how you think about seeking human contact, company, support, connection, and affection. These are basic human needs! Everything you are feeling and talking about is totally normal and relatable so it was a great decision to reach out to your community and COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS. Im dating a man with Aspergers so I’m happy to chat about ways in which you might approach a neurotypical if you have an attraction to them. It’s important to moderate your intensity so that you don’t intimidate, off put, or confuse them. A lot of neurotypicals are not familiar enough with ASD symptoms to be able to empathize or understand why relationships/courtship is challenging for you, so focus on getting to know her as a person and genuinely enjoying your moments together, learning who she is and how SHE experiences the world. You will need this information to communicate smoothly and successfully with her if there is chemistry and the potential for growing closer together. Does that make more sense? Women are tricky because we have to constantly fear men we don’t know well, as some may become predatory or violent if we don’t reciprocate their advances. So keep in mind that, if women act stand offish, it may not be personal, they may just be acting cautious because you communicate/socialize differently and they are trying to protect themselves. So try to approach somewhat slowly, in a friendly and non threatening way. Be patient, be kind, and courteous. Focus on being a good natured, open hearted person and you will attract the same kind of person to you.

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