Adult (21 yo) son with Aspergers/Anxiety/Depression and I am caught in the middle

My son recently moved back home after disappearing from our home on Thanksgiving, 2016.  We were invited to a friend's home for dinner and when we came back he was gone.  He wanted to live with his girlfriend and believed he could do it all on his own.  When he met this girl, she immediately slept with him at a ComicCon, he started Vaping and he became combative.  He got a job at a Vape shop and still works there part time.  The girl dumped him and he immediately texted and called that he needs help.  He's been hospitalized in the past for anxiety and depression, suicidal threats and anger.  He runs away when he can't deal with situations.  He also has delusions of grandeur and tells everyone how much he know about cars, life situations, or whatever anyone is talking about at the time.  

I believe my husband is also on the spectrum.  He exhibits OCD behaviors, is distant and retreats to his computer room every night.  My son's slovenly behavior irritates my husband.  He can't tolerate my son or his friends.  He tells me every day what irritates him and what he and my son were arguing about.  I agree with him sometimes, but I also understand that my son has Aspergers.  My husband is always concerned about how we (or he) looks to other people.  He wants a Better Homes and Gardens house, but does not do what is necessary on a daily basis to keep it that way.  In other words, he behaves like my son, but doesn't see it in himself.  

It's only been 7 days, and I am ready to move out.  I cannot be the referee for these two, especially after working 10 hour days, and expect to be the fix-it person.  I don't want my house destroyed if my son gets angry at my husband for making some kind of comment.  I can't be on both sides.  I've already been through surgeries and cancer, lost my job because of my health issues, fought for 3 years to get to a judge to ask for disability for my son; which most likely he will not qualify for because he puts on a pretty good show in front of important people.  Now, when we were just getting our bills paid off, we are spending more money because he is  b home.  He is anorexic and I am working on getting him to eat more.  I want to help my son figure some things out before I gradually get him into independent housing, but he shows no initiative. He admits he needs to talk to someone, but won't make the appointment to see a therapist because he might be "busy" if his friends call and want to hang out.  He talks about technical school, but says he already knows what the teacher is talking about and won't go to class.  He missed out on a great internship because he wanted this former girlfriend more that a future.

I just want my house and my life back.  I was enjoying (for the most part) the quiet evenings of an empty nester.  This may be selfish, but I don't know how much more of this I can take.  He has already turned my nice guest room into a sty and wants to smoke in there.  We spent days trying to get the "testosterone" smell of a teenager and his vaping liquid smell out of the carpet, walls and ceiling.  I've spent hours on the phone with social workers, Pacer,school, therapists, doctors, hospitals, and I don't know where else to turn.  My son has a lot of talent.  He is kind and friendly. I don't know if anyone else struggles with this dichotomy, but I am at a loss.  

Is there any hope?

  • How old was your son when he was diagnosed with Asperger's? Has he received any counseling or therapy (such as ABA)? From what you've described, his problems may be more than Asperger's.

    Your son may not be eligible for disability since he has demonstrated that he can keep a regular job.

    Try not to diagnose your husband. We thought that my daughter was autistic (my son is) and we took her to a children's hospital for diagnosis. They said that she wasn't autistic, but had a social communication disorder. Having the correct diagnosis put us on the right track to get her the help she needs.
  • How old was your son when he was diagnosed with Asperger's? Has he received any counseling or therapy (such as ABA)? From what you've described, his problems may be more than Asperger's.

    Your son may not be eligible for disability since he has demonstrated that he can keep a regular job.

    Try not to diagnose your husband. We thought that my daughter was autistic (my son is) and we took her to a children's hospital for diagnosis. They said that she wasn't autistic, but had a social communication disorder. Having the correct diagnosis put us on the right track to get her the help she needs.
  • How old was your son when he was diagnosed with Asperger's? Has he received any counseling or therapy (such as ABA)? From what you've described, his problems may be more than Asperger's.

    Your son may not be eligible for disability since he has demonstrated that he can keep a regular job.

    Try not to diagnose your husband. We thought that my daughter was autistic (my son is) and we took her to a children's hospital for diagnosis. They said that she wasn't autistic, but had a social communication disorder. Having the correct diagnosis put us on the right track to get her the help she needs.
  • How old was your son when he was diagnosed with Asperger's? Has he received any counseling or therapy (such as ABA)? From what you've described, his problems may be more than Asperger's.

    Your son may not be eligible for disability since he has demonstrated that he can keep a regular job.

    Try not to diagnose your husband. We thought that my daughter was autistic (my son is) and we took her to a children's hospital for diagnosis. They said that she wasn't autistic, but had a social communication disorder. Having the correct diagnosis put us on the right track to get her the help she needs.
  • How old was your son when he was diagnosed with Asperger's? Has he received any counseling or therapy (such as ABA)? From what you've described, his problems may be more than Asperger's.

    Your son may not be eligible for disability since he has demonstrated that he can keep a regular job.

    Try not to diagnose your husband. We thought that my daughter was autistic (my son is) and we took her to a children's hospital for diagnosis. They said that she wasn't autistic, but had a social communication disorder. Having the correct diagnosis put us on the right track to get her the help she needs.
  • How old was your son when he was diagnosed with Asperger's? Has he received any counseling or therapy (such as ABA)? From what you've described, his problems may be more than Asperger's.

    Your son may not be eligible for disability since he has demonstrated that he can keep a regular job.

    Try not to diagnose your husband. We thought that my daughter was autistic (my son is) and we took her to a children's hospital for diagnosis. They said that she wasn't autistic, but had a social communication disorder. Having the correct diagnosis put us on the right track to get her the help she needs.
  • How old was your son when he was diagnosed with Asperger's? Has he received any counseling or therapy (such as ABA)? From what you've described, his problems may be more than Asperger's.

    Your son may not be eligible for disability since he has demonstrated that he can keep a regular job.

    Try not to diagnose your husband. We thought that my daughter was autistic (my son is) and we took her to a children's hospital for diagnosis. They said that she wasn't autistic, but had a social communication disorder. Having the correct diagnosis put us on the right track to get her the help she needs.
  • How old was your son when he was diagnosed with Asperger's? Has he received any counseling or therapy (such as ABA)? From what you've described, his problems may be more than Asperger's.

    Your son may not be eligible for disability since he has demonstrated that he can keep a regular job.

    Try not to diagnose your husband. We thought that my daughter was autistic (my son is) and we took her to a children's hospital for diagnosis. They said that she wasn't autistic, but had a social communication disorder. Having the correct diagnosis put us on the right track to get her the help she needs.
  • How old was your son when he was diagnosed with Asperger's? Has he received any counseling or therapy (such as ABA)? From what you've described, his problems may be more than Asperger's.

    Your son may not be eligible for disability since he has demonstrated that he can keep a regular job.

    Try not to diagnose your husband. We thought that my daughter was autistic (my son is) and we took her to a children's hospital for diagnosis. They said that she wasn't autistic, but had a social communication disorder. Having the correct diagnosis put us on the right track to get her the help she needs.
  • In reply to ahasp:

    You've posted your response NINE Times??
  • In reply to ElenaB:

    Yeah, that was weird maybe they didn't realize it for some reason. I know things are different when I'm on my phone verses the pc.