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20 Oct 2010 11:43 PM
what to do
trying to understand so i am do a very risky and rare thing to ask for help
hi. i am asher. there is something i do not understand. first i will explain.
i do not understand love and relationships. i keep telling people that i have crushes on them and it is turning out to be bad in every instance. people always tell me to be patient and wait. patience and waiting is not a problem. my questions are the problem.
first my gut instinct always leads me to people who are either not wanting relationships, in relationships, or they simply say know. it does not fail. but if i cannot follow my gut reaction then i can only follow my intellect. but i do not know how to understand this subject, so my mind cannot help me to discern anything. i do not understand any of the terms people use like types or when people ask me questions of what i look for in a person the only answers that come to mind is that the person is a woman and living. so this could account for nearly half the world. but being faced with so many rejections, i cannot answer the question because there is no pattern in my mind to be able to answer the question. so i know my thinking is defective. another issue is that people tell me all of these good things about myself which i agree and know are a part of me, yet seeing the numbers of rejections that i have faced how can these things be true. and even how could women want the qualities that i have, yet they all say no. how can i believe the good things are true or really even good or helpful when women pursue the opposite of me. they say they want someone like me, but they reject me with no though given and then pursue someone who is opposite of me. everything i am told and feel good about seems to be contradicted by what happens by experience.
another issue is that i have been given reasons like my spiritual level and the difference between my spiritual level and the spiritual level of another person being the reason why relationships do not happen for me. if this is so, then this means something i am not very comfortable with. it means to me that i have a higher level of spirituality than most other people and this makes us not compatible. but, even of the relationships that i have been in this has been the issue and they did not last and they were bad ones and being single for the past 3 years now and for most of my life along with living in two different places over 34 years means that spiritually i outweigh thousands upon thousands possibly more? how can this be possible? or is this another lie people have told me?
i do not know how to understand this all. i have been willing to give up, even feeling guilt for having such desires and wants, and hiding them and keeping them quiet. i regret even having feelings like this because they are shameful and any conduct linked with such feelings, wants, and desires is shameful and dishonorable. because i do not understand, i try to stay away from these issues because they make me do shameful and dishonorable acts like telling the person. but when i express that i want to forget and try to keep these things hidden i am encouraged to stay open and let the possibilities come and that this is natural and normal. how can it be? and if i do not understand and i am trying to understand, it causes trouble no matter what position i take. i ask for help in this area and people believe that i am obsessing about it and just be patient and wait. i am not sure, but i do not think people really believe me when i say i do not understand. and if i cannot get answers from people then i have to withdraw from contact because then i feel like nobody will help me and the only place i can turn to for help is books in the library which i do not understand and i get more frustrated. i have asked for help here before and now because i have attempted to ask for help on another asperger's/autism group i am being told i am obsessing about it and because i am getting frustrated, the blame is being turned on my somehow and i am being told that i am trying too hard and that i need to relax and let things happen. books are usually where i turn to for most of my questions in life because people assume that what i am telling them is not the truth. i do not like asking for help because i know in the end, i should have just gone to the library. i have read so many books on love and relationships and i do not understand any of them. i can quote them, but i do not know how to decipher them. i am tired of asking for help because i do not have many people or resources to turn to or ask and this is my final attempt at asking people for help. i cannot turn to my family because they tell me "if i stop acting crazy then i can find someone who is good and nice" or they will not answer me at all, i do not have many friends, the other group i belong to cannot comprehend how i have troubles understanding anything, and this group is my last attempt before i full shut down from asking for help. i am even afraid to ask here. if you can or want to, could someone please mentor me in this area.
27 Nov 2010 5:43 PM
WOW This is a difficult one --I have looked outside myself and thought its so unfair that I cant have a relationship like others - so I did not look for years and concentrated on myself - I would hug myself and say to myself that I was lovely and I started to care for me- give me what I felt I needed - stop needing what I saw I cant have and then what you feel you cant have becomes attracted to you --If someone feels that you are needing them they will close off because they want to feel that they can lean towards you too --others are wanting what you want but i think they don’t like to think that the other is dependant on them because if so they feel that a small upset in the relationship can really hurt the more needing one...
so its better to love someone who loves themselves because they can love you back like they love themselves - the other can see what love you have to share if you get it ------Anyway i have learnt lots about this but even with my Autism and caring of myself i still have lots of difficulties as my Auti seems to stuff it up eventually --so for me i just except its not for me and have a relationship with my Art instead LOL
28 Nov 2010 12:20 AM
Hello Asher... I understand where you are coming from. Relationships are really complex and hard to understand. There is nothing wrong with your thinking. When it comes to relationships there are no patterns.
One thing you must understand is that women's minds work on a more emotional level then men's. Women are really hard to understand sometimes. I used to have a female friend who would call me up and complain about her boyfriend all the time; even though she had list of thing that she didn't like about him she stayed with him for a long time.
From reading what you wrote, I can give you these pointers.
One. Don't feel guilty about wanting to be in a relationship, there is nothing shameful or dishonorable about it. Millions of people have the exact same wants and desires as you do and they are not bad people.
Two. Listen to your family and friends and relax. I am not saying that to insult you or devalue your wants. It's just tactical advice. Women are like bars of wet soap and when you try to grab on to them hard they will slip (run) away. I know it sounds counter intuitive but being too up front at the beginning scares them.
Three. Be yourself.
Four. Be confident.
Five. Don't worry about "type". The "type" of woman you want is the "type" that is into you.
[Updated on 11/28/2010 12:27 AM]
28 Nov 2010 12:22 AM
Six. Don't give up.
28 Nov 2010 6:08 AM
Cool Bbenja4 -- just one thing if i was am a bar of soap i would have to be the Dove pure and simple......
28 Nov 2010 7:27 AM
One thing about people with ASD,they have a need at times for companionship,and other times they don`t want companionship.Run hot,then run cold.Get offended easy.Misinterptet signals.If you have 2 people with ASD trying to form a relationship,and they arn`t sure they can handle it.Many women are undiagnosed ASD.Yes,many women are much more emotional then men.I don`t like to be touched alot,so maybe this is an issue,either for you,or for the woman.Some people are not that interested in sex.So this may be an issues as well.Many people with ASD spend a lot of time doing their own thing,which the person you are with may end up feeling lonely and rejected.I think if two people were at or near the same place on the spectrum,and understood the other person`s need for their space,and then had times when they wanted to be with some one,well then it may work.Their needs to be communication about what your needs are and what you need from the person.I hope I explained it so somebody can understand what i`m trying to say.
28 Nov 2010 7:46 AM
Jmomma --I understand this but the only thing is when i am out of my bubble i have this high need for the other persons around me too see and experience what i am and if they are none responsive at that time them i get real frustrated with them - and there mannerisms and the way they move or eat and facial expressions or there presence can just be enough to set me off into a frenzy --peoples stuck ways make me feel oppressed --so unless we are going hot and cold at exactly the same time then I don’t think it can work -- well not for me that is xx
28 Nov 2010 7:54 AM
momma i completely understand that as most of that you have just explained is me lol xx
[Updated on 11/28/2010 7:56 AM]
28 Nov 2010 8:04 AM
Jmomma-- you are right about us being more emotional are i dont care much for sex --it is companionship we need --someone who is easy and kind :@) xx
28 Nov 2010 8:32 AM
It is strange in a way that Asher wrote his part over a month ago and people are just now responding. I admit that I read it when he wrote it but just did not have a good answer for him. I am glad you all do.
By the way Asher, I hope you had a very good Yomim Tovim season and were sealed for good fortune. It is a new year now and hopefully thing will change for the better.
28 Nov 2010 8:44 AM
Yes,if you are running cold and your partner is running hot,then it`s going to be a problem.That is exactly what the problem is in my marriage.Actully,my first marriage was much easier,becasue my husband was gone alot,and we had time to miss each other.My now husband is way to touchy,feely and this is a hugh problem in the marriage.He gets mad,thinks i`m rejecting him.Well in a way I am,but I can`t help it,and he deoesn`t think that being touched is a problem.He thinks I just don`t want him or i`m having an affair or something.He caught his first wife messing around.But in her defense.He can be very cold and off doing his own thing,probably leaving her home to care for the kids and he is out doing what he wants to do.That is they way it is for me.He has been out hunting all day and evening since the season began.He even goes out all day on Thanksgiving.and around Christmas time.I end up doing all the decorating and bringing the heavy tree up from the basement by myself.I think it would be a nice family thing,but he is always absent,so I can see why his ex was messing around.He told me when she was in labor.Your in labor thats fine,but go out there and make me something to eat,so I don`t have to go up there and be hungary all day.If he would have said that to me,I would have said,you don`t need to go at all.Stay home.He can be the most incestive ***,and then wonders why his wife or girlfriend has no interest when he walks through the door.He thinks you are suppossed to be baking from scratch all day and be ready to put out when he walks through the door.I want a life outside being a wife and mother.He doesn`t seem to get it,so I really don`t give a damn what he wants.I don`t want step parents raising our daughter,and we can`t afford to divorce.Not a good reason to stay married,but kids are being murdered and abused by step parents.Molested.
28 Nov 2010 8:55 AM
I do believe I did respond last time he asked.Maybe not as throughly,as then I couldn`t think how to explain it.Sometimes the words don`t come on how to explain things.
28 Nov 2010 9:02 AM
My daughter loves to help decorate the tree,so it was a good bonding time for us,but could be better if dad was here.
28 Nov 2010 9:05 AM
I have told him,i`m not feeding Justin very much meat anymore as his kidneys are bad.I don`t like deer meat.Hayley likes the backstrap,but that is it.He has 3 already,so I don`t think we need anymore.Besides him being gone alot,the gas money he spends,plus the cost of the licence for each one.It is more trouble that it`s worth.The thrill of the kill,drives him I guess.
28 Nov 2010 9:50 AM
I think women find men as big of a mystery as men find women.There are those rare exceptions when two people seem to have found their sole mate.They are the luckiest people on the planet.Back when I was looking for a man,I had no idea,so many men were on the autism spectrum.I also had no idea that I was.Maybe things would have been different if I had know those 2 important details.If i had it to do all over agin,I think i`d want some one on the spectrum that knows they are on the spectrum and knows that I am and we know what to expect from each other.When to back off.Maybe it would make a difference.
28 Nov 2010 9:53 AM
If some one doesn`t have anyone special in thier life,then maybe they try and make up for it with material things,or whatever their obsession may be.At some point they find those things don`t provide what is missing.To some it may not matter,they are happy being alone and doing their own thing.